mending a broken heart

[catc]

Hi,
After listening to Mending a Broken Heart Show I wanted to ask this question....
(The abridged edition) I was in a relationship for 2 years with someone that was a dear friend to me for 10 years...Best friends...The relationship began when he was going through his divorce...it was great for the first 6 months but as he had to deal with the divorce I tried to stand back as he would begin to pull me close and then push me away...Having been through a divorce I know that one needs time to realign themselves...I didn't chase him and he always was in touch with me...then after the divorce it all picked up again but after a month of bliss he tells me that he missed having children and that is something he felt he really wanted and knew I couldn't give him...(he is 47 I am 51). this was of course something we discussed at the beginning of the relationship but he felt at that time that he was too old to consider children or I would not of gotten so deeply involved...anyway after 3 months of not seeing each other he calls and really wants to see me..I see him, he tells me he really cherishes me. our friendship etc etc so we get together it's great for like 2 weeks and then I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks...which, of course infuriated me...I called, angry and told him he hurt me for the last time...he told me he was sorry(in a cavilier sort of way) but he was still searching for that person he could have a baby with ..so I wished him luck and hung up....I guess it blows my mind that he hasn't even called to apologize with sincerity as I thought that the friendship we had was so strong...
The thing is...we always talked about how we thought we were soulmates...There was such intensity between us....when we were together everything was so easy...it worked so well...we worked so well together until this glitch...I miss the friendship...I miss him....I think I have been good about moving forward but there are times when this swallows me up and makes me sad...I will date and hopefully will be able to do so without comparing what I had with this person to the new people I meet....It seems I get involved with people that end up discarding me...there are never any real problems ...or, maybe there is and I am not getting it...I thought communication breakdown but that is one thing with this person that was very good until the baby thing came up...I guess I am still searching for answers....It was just so unlike him to be like this to me...were they True colors??? Did I miss something over the 10 years?
Thanks for any feedback!~Chrys

[Tim]

Hi Chrys,

The first thing to remember is that people change. We are, all of us, changing and evolving as individuals on our journey through life. (Hopefully towards greater wisdom and acceptance – but I can’t guarantee that!) 

I’ve noticed with friends around me that when people split up, the 2 people that spilt up aren’t the 2 people who get together in the first place; either 1 or both of them have changed in the intervening period.

It sounds to me like you had a very strong friendship with this guy but that a more intimate, full-time relationship didn’t work out. And the reason that it didn’t work out is that it didn’t work out. No guilt. No blame. Sometimes it just happens.

Your feeling sad or angry or swallowed up isn’t going to change how this guy feels about you. Experiment: Next time you feel suddenly sad or angry ask yourself what effect this has had on him. Answer: None at all. 

What are you going to do about it? Try this – after you finish reading this go and find a mirror. Stand in front of it and send yourself love and acceptance. Think of all your achievements, the help and encouragement you’ve given, the compliments you’ve received. Send yourself that love because you know that you’re worth it.
And if you’re in any doubt, know that complete strangers who email you know that you’re worth it. 

If this works for you I recommend that you do it regularly. There are 2 reasons for this:
1.   It’s a better alternative to feeling sad or angry 
2.   It will start a light inside you that others outside will notice and recognise and find attractive

Hope this helps.

Take it easy,

Tim.

[catc]

Thank you Tim....It does help...it has only been a couple of months since this all went down so I know that it takes time to mend the heart...It was still nice to get your perspective and I will practice what you say to do....At the time I was angry...now, just feeling the hurt from it....I do send him love in my meditations and I truly wish him well...I cannot fault someone for wanting something as precious as a child...I am doing my best to move forward and for the most part I am a very happy and grateful person....It is as I said, a bit difficult for me at times....I came to realize that I may have been the bandaide for his transition period and by ending it that day I basically pulled the bandaide off...maybe that is why he was back and forth with me as he wasn't sure what he wanted to do...who knows...But Thank you again!~Chrys

[cynnezann]

Hello, Reading your story I just wanted to tell you I know how you feel. Dont beat yourself up for it at all.  I believe you felt that deep connection especially since you were friends for so long. Maybe what you were feeling is what he used as his strength to get him through his hard time, that would hurt anyone.  The that he knew that you were there to help him until he was ready to move on and then leave you hanging.   Use that and turn it into a positive for you, to know that you can be strong for yourself because you deserve it.  You will feel anger towards him for awhile but try not to hang on to that. All those feelings of sadness and missing him are all natural but as time goes on they will fade. Try to keep yourself busy with reading positive and motivational books or do something for yourself.  Try not to compare your friendship with him to others, for your friendship with him may have not been what you thought. Leave your door open for someone who will cherish a friendship as you did, such a person does exists for you they are out there.   Dont look at it as people discarding you rather that the person is out there that will see your true beauty and he will come along when you least expect it. Dont give up and be strong . I hope this somewhat helps you or at least makes you feel better.
Sincerely Cynnezann.