Social Confidence

[Kayleigh]

Help! I recently put in a post about trying to stay authentic and the advice was helpful thank you.The problem usually comes up in my interaction with others. Much of this is at work with people who have big personalities and people looking after them (they're in showbiz) and in comparison I feel really boring and like a nobody. I feel like this within most groups now wherever I am (eg. hairdressers at uni). I never feel like I belong anywhere! I don't mean to sound like a whiner and logically this sounds ridiculous to myself, but this is a long standing problem that I would like to change. I did the techniques in Paul McKenna's Instant Confidence, and "Bringing my tribe" and I'll keep practising, but can you think of anything else? I can pretend but I want to honestly feel comfortable with others as when I do, a social life is one of the greatest pleasures I can have.

Ooh I didn't realise I was such a worrier!

Any help would be gratefully received.

P.S. Am I bordering on narcissm? I'm certainly not without empathy, but I do think about myself MOST of the time. Can I train myself out of this? I think if I don't question myself I wont become a better person and wont succeed at anything! I blame my underachievement on my social discomfort.

[peter108]

Hi Kristen
sounds like your not quite sure of things at the moment. Lets have a look at your situation in small chunks.
Quote."The problem usually comes up in interaction with others."  Well the good news is, you get to spend more time with your self than you will ever spend with any one else in the whole of your life, so it's good to know that this problem only shows up in public.

Just because these show biz people are may be a bit loud does not make them any more special than you  .FACT.  Everybody is SPECIAL. Have you considered that may be you have much to offer and this is why you some times feel you don't fit in? Trying to fit into other peoples ideals as to how your supposed to be, look, act etc is not an exam in life that you have to take and pass. There is no such thing. Being who you are is an open ticket. It means you can be what ever you want to be including, feeling like your nothing and insignificant , if that is what your higher self is trying to experience. Has some one told you that you are the things you are complaining to your self about?? Or is this just your opinion? Do you hear a voice in your head that tells you these things? Does it sound like any one you know?
You can change that voice to a better one. Your allowed to turn it off or change it when ever you wish.
What do you consider as a better person? Will questioning your self actually help or maybe thats part of the problem?What constitutes success for you and in which context?
What is it that you want to achieve? Here is the most important question I have put so far to you " what would need to happen for you to be happy and feel that you had achieved what you want at this stage of your life"? How would you know when you have got it, I mean how would you be able to know these things?
Would you see the results, hear them, feel them ? how? This is important information if you want to want to move in another direction.
Would you drive somewhere with out knowing where your destination was,  how would you know you had arrived if you did not have the destination already in mind.
So it is with your current problems.

Best wishes
Peter

[Kayleigh]

Thanks for your advice Peter.

I know that my main problem is that I don't really have any close friends. I surround myself with people who don't think much of themselves because I don't think they will expect much of me and so it's safe for the ego, but very uninspiring for the soul. It's like a Catch22: I don't think I'm good enough to have great friends, I think I'm not good enough because I don't have close, stimulating friends!

I get a bit confused as to accepting myself and changing because I want to, and trying to accept myself to try and convince myself I don't need changing.

[peter108]

Hi Kristen
Ok, so there is a saying that who you surround your self with, is an indication of where you are in life and what you think about yourself. But it's not entirely true. If you were to let your self shine out (give yourself permission ) what do you think those friends you hang out with would say? Would they say "hey Kristen seems to be really onto something, did you see her the other day, she was really buzzing. Or would they say " so what's up with you then, why are you acting so cool"? People hang out with people who they can feel safe with a lot of the time. If you want more you need to start believing in yourself. It doesn't matter who your with if inside you don't hold true to yourself.

From reading your thread , I believe that you do know that you are worth more than you give yourself credit for?  Can you say the words to your self "I love you" and mean it? Stop worrying about others, can you say that sentence to yourself and give it meaning. ? If you can you will have all the friends in the world, because to love others you have first to love yourself.  If you find that hard(and there was a time 8 years ago that I could not say those words) then that may be the place to begin. We are not talking about conceit, we are just talking about acceptance of who you think you are. And this much I can guarantee you, you are so much more than you could ever imagine your self to be, you are unlimited love. You see it does not matter what you think of yourself , the truth of who you are is not diminished by limiting beliefs.

With that in mind what could possibly stop you from getting where you want to go?
I would ponder the questions that I brought up in the last post for a while and see what comes up for you.

Best wishes
Peter

[cat]

Hi Kristen,

I have been through similar issues that you describe here, and have also read books and done different programs, hypnosis etc to feel more 'myself' in social situations, and confident too. I'd describe myself now as a sometimes extroverted introvert, which means although I love being around people, I get tired + withdrawn if I do it too much, and value quiet time. On the other hand, if I don't do it enough, my social skills and confidence with others start to get wobbly. Although we may have different situations, this is what generally works well for me:

*Having a balance between social time and quiet time. Listening to my emotions. Having time off from social things if I feel a bit overwhelmed, and then pushing myself to go to that party if I know I'm just trying to avoid interaction because it seems easier.
*If I feel particulary inward and not very good at talking, I prompt others to tell me about themselves and I listen carefully to what they have to talk about. It can be really interesting and sometimes brings me out more.
*Nice self-talk.
*One thing that I've been doing lately that's going good is practicing being more honest/open when I meet people for the first time. I realised that one reason I clammed up so much is a fear of saying something stupid or boring. Now I'll throw a few 'human' admissions into a converstation (nothing to full on, just more 'real' than I had been) and people respond to this really well.

Good luck with it,

Cat x   

[Kayleigh]

Thank you both. Cat, I would say that I have a similar balance of extrovert/introvert. Because most people SEEM to be one or the other it felt a bit confusing.

[Inspired]

Hi Kristen,

Just read your post and was compelled to write a reply. This reply won't contain any excellent techniques or exercises, just one thing to consider and one recommendation.

1. As a community, a lot of the value we ascribe to objects or commodities is determined by how plentiful it is / they are. 'Precious' metals are precious because you can't find them everywhere, people devote their lives to protect endangered animals because there are only a handful left and we travel the world to see sights like Niagra Falls because there is 'nothing else like it in the world'. We celebrate individual triumphs in all domains every single day on the basis of the achievements being 'one of a kind. The real truth of the matter is, whether other people celebrate it or not, we are all unique, we are all 'one of a kind' there is nobody else out there, exactly the same as you...have no doubt that whether you remember it in every moment or not...you are precious.

2. I can't recommend highly enough Dr Wayne Dyer's book 'The Power of Intention'. It brought me such peace and taught me to love anything and everything. (I hope you don't mind me recommending this book Michael )

I hope that this helps in some way,

Namaste,

Andy.

p.s. If you subscribe to the belief that everything is connected in some way, and that the part is contained in the whole and the whole is contained in the part (like our DNA) then you might also want to consider that 'At any point in time, whatever you think you are, you are ALWAYS more than that'

[Kayleigh]

Thank you Andy. I'll give it a go! I'm sure Michael wont mind 

[sog]

Kristen,
Just keep asking yourself why and following the feelings and thoughts that come up.
Then ask yourself if you could let whatever comes up go?
Then ask if you would let it go?
Then ask when?
This may seem simple but it works...Michael recommends it as the releasing technique, which is called the Sedona Method.
Like Hale Dwoskin says, "The truth is simple. If it was complicated, everyone would get it."

[alcinoo]

Andy,
your reply was great! I love the power of intention too, as an active tool for REALLY connecting to the creative potential.. I especially learned its power the "negative" way, seeing how much what I saw around me that I did not like was actually very familiar to me because it was IN me first....
it tool a little longer to GET that I could look for different inner states.
Hey presto, new life...
great discussion
love
Alcinoo

[Inspired]

Hi Alcinoo,

Glad you liked my reply! I have given (and continue to give) away loads of copies of 'The Power of Intention' to those I am inspired to do so! I have found that once you are at peace with who you are, you can be at peace with all the events in your life that moulded you this way!! 

Namaste,

Andy

[Kayleigh]

It's a funny old thing all this! Reading an excerpt from The Power of Intention I'm realising it's not even necessarily being around people I've been unconfident about, more that I am really not used to allowing myself to be confident around them. This pervades other areas of life too, feeling uncomfortable thinking of myself as a very competent adult, uncomfortable about being positive in a bid not to kid myself.

A message I know that was very present when growing up (and I still live at home), was that successsful people were selfish and snobby. This was often portrayed using the phrase "She loves herself" used in a "Who does she think she is?" tone. It's kind of scary to be successful because part of me still thinks other people can take that away and call my bluff, I have certainly experienced the effects of the rage of jealousy from other people! And I am no saint, I have bitched about those I envied too, though I have learned to think of these things in slightly better ways now I'm a bit older.

Anyone had to get used to thinking of themselves as someone likeable and valuable? I suspect most people at some point. Acting lowly has been seen as respectful in my family. Trouble is, you often don't get respected for it! Sometimes "nice" just doesn't cut it. I feel harsh even typing these words! 

[peter108]

Dear Kristen
there are two ways to calibrate how you feel about your self. 1) from outside references or 2) From internal references.
If you pick the outer external references as your criteria for how you should feel, i.e. from family & friends you are open to their reasoning and rules.
If you take your reference from internal feedback, you will be beyond what others say and do.


You mention that your  family find acting lowly as respectful. Respectful to who? Surly not the person who is having to act in that way? Reacting to outside references mean you sell your self short of your own respect. That's maybe the only thing we can ever own, our own respect.

If we can't be true to our selves, then who can we be true to? It takes some courage and determination to lead and show an example, but I am convinced that  we all have this ability inside us, some people just don't know it, or believe that they have it, until some one shows them that they do have it and it's always been there.

 Many people blindly do what they do with out thinking of what it is that they are doing, it's not always their fault, they just dont know any better. They think they are doing the best they can. The cycle of conditioning goes around and around, passed from one generation to the next, from one relationship to the next, until .........some one .... says .....
enough is enough, it stops right here. Then a new possibility opens up ......for the next person.    Could you be that person, who is going to stop the cycle? It's all done inside and from silence. Thats where all the most powerful change takes place. The good news for others is,  It's contagious !!!
It just requires one person to step outside the comfort zone, and everybody at some level benefits.

Best wishes
Peter

[cat]

Hi Kristen,

I'd just like to add a book recommendation that I have found AmazinG! It's 'The Introvert Advantage' by Marti Olsen Laney, and it focuses on accepting your nature and working with it, not against it. This book changed my perception of myself to a more postive one.

x
Cat

[The Dancer]

Hi Kristen,

Hopefully this won't turn out to be a repeat, but it appears that I got logged out before I completed it the first time round.

I don't have much to offer other than a brief history of part of my life.  I hope that you find it of use.

Up until the age of thirty, I was pretty much invincible, anything I wanted I managed to achieve.  Thereafter though things changed.

Two failed marriages, a couple of long periods of unemployment, and the lowest point of my life, the death, suddenly and unexpectedly, of one of my children.  Feeling totally overwhelmed and unable to see any future, I moved away from that area to my present location in the hope of making a new start.

My sister, her husband, and their kids were my only contacts here and they were twenty odd miles away.  I had no job, and my nearest friends were at the other end of the country some four hundred miles away.

In a total departure for me, I had spent my working life in engineering at that point, I obtained employment as a "Lifeguard".  This led to my becoming an instructor for swimming, snorkelling, and scuba diving.  In addition, and as a means of ekeing out a living, I also took an opportunity to teach "Line Dancing".

My motivation for all of the above was fueled by the death of my son.  Obviously I couldn't bring him back, but I sure as hell could help others to enjoy their life more fully.  Putting my focus on what I could do to help others left no time to concentrate on how badly I felt, there was barely enough time to appreciate all of the demonstrations of goodwill, and gratitude that were showered upon me from those people I had helped learn a new skill.

I love what I do and I get the warmest glow imaginable from the smile on the face of a non-swimmer when they complete their first five metres unaided.  The buzz from the class when we learn a new dance.  All of that and much more is priceless.

I have gone from being an introverted, jobless, friendless "sad" man.  To becoming whilst not exactly extrovert, more than willing to get up in front of a crowd and strut my stuff.  I haven't got as far as singing yet, I like having friends, and I like them describing me as "a good dancer", "a good teacher" etc.

I sincerely believe that you have something to share.  I don't know what it is, but you do, so if I were to offer advice it would be to put your focus onto what you can do to bring a little light into other peoples life.  Start with a smile.

It's the little things that count.

Fred,  The Dancer.

[Kayleigh]

Thank you Fred, that is a beautiful story and more so because it's true. I read that just after thinking about the interview I have today,with a person I feel a bit intimidated by and who for some reason, want his approval. Your story and work are inspirational, I'm sure to many.

Keep us updated on what you get up to!

With Love

Kristen

P.S. Here's my smile