Fear of loneliness

[Maya]

Hi,
I'm new here and I hope you can help me.

I think I have a fear of loneliness. It's not a fear of being alone - I like my alone time. I think it's more the fear that I'm going to end up alone one day, all by myself, in a country that's not my home country, while all the people I know have families...

I am 35, I've been living abroad for the past 10 years and there is no way I can ever go back home - work wise and also I only have a few friends left there.

I am missing a home, I've tried to settle down by buying a house, in a place where there is work and lots of expats and though I have a social network of superficial friends, it feels like they come and go and so do the boyfriends. I really want a family and maybe it's just my biological clock ticking, but if I would have my parents or lots of brothers and sisters here, I think it wouldn't be so bad. I think I just need a place and a group of people that I feel I belong to, and who are always there, and don't keep dissappearing.

I spent a lot of time working on myself, for the past year, knowing that I had to change in order to attract people. I noticed I had lost myself pretty much before - adapting to the environment, hanging out with people I didn't actually like but I wanted them to like me. I "found" myself again and decided to stay myself. Things have changed quite a bit and I became quite a popular person in my circle of friends (expats) and get told again and again, what a positive person I am. And I really felt positive and happy and I loved that people liked me just the way I am. I'm a pretty funny and intelligent person and I notice people like to have me around. No one would believe that I'm writing this right now... but I've been ill at home for 3 days now and I'm afraid it's a depression.
 
Now I have attracted a new boyfriend by being that new/old me, the best match I have ever met - he's got everything I want. We've been going out for 6 weeks and everything is just great.
He's going through a divorce in Italy, which will take about 3 years and he has a little son who he needs to go and see once a month - which is what he spends all his vacation days on. He's the one - but he's 4 years younger than I am, and the problem is he keeps saying "when I leave this country" recently (he has a promising job that could send him all over the world) and I think all the things I want - a family and a home - are the last thing on his mind right now, because it's the very thing he has just broken out of.
 
I hate the way I feel, I can't tell him after 6 weeks that I want children! But I'm afraid i'm just a transition girl for him right now, even though I know he wouldn't do that to me on purpose. I just feel he's enjoying the fun and everything right now and the moment I mention a family it's gonna be over. I'm also afraid he wouldn't work on our relationship when things aren't happy, because he has the experience from his last one.

So I'm afraid I'm investing time and feelings, only for him to leave me alone one day when he leaves this country. And then I will start again from scratch. I am sooo tired of starting new, I want to have something constant in my life. And right now I can't help but feeling that that "constant" would be a child - someone who stays when everyone else is gone!

I really don't want to feel like this, because I know how desperate it sounds. I want to be light and be able to just see where this relationship is going - and if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I'm really afraid that I will destroy everything right now, but it's like I can't control this - I mean I got physically sick! I've been at home with fever for 3 days - I never had fever in my life! How do I stop that? I want to live in the moment and enjoy it, and not live in the future and be so scared that I'm destroing the present moment... Of course while i'm at home alone, i can't think of anything else, so it's hard to get better. And I don't want to distract myself and think of something else, I want to deal with it and get over it. I know that by being afraid of ending up alone, I'm attracting the very same thing! I just don't know how can feel happy despite the fear and how I can make my stomach stop turning when he says "..when I leave this county".

Any ideas?
Thank you,
Maya



 

[Maya]

Thank you, Neil!

I'm listening to Michael's shows, they are very uplifting! I also really believe in the law of attraction and read the books of Abraham Hicks and listen to the audio books, that's why it makes me so mad that I can't control this right now! I know I'm bringing this all on myself.

I have felt bad before, but I always got over it and found a way of making myself better, but this is the first time that it effects my body and I feel incredibly weak and tired, that's why I'm scared I might be depressed.

Anyway, I have found an NLP/Coach/Hypnotherapist/Psychologist here in my town yesterday and made an appointment with him right away (only in 2 weeks time...) I hope he will be able to help me and remove this totally useless fear from me

Thanks for the nice words, Neil,
Maya

[Shahrzad]

Dear Maya,

As I was reading your inputو it felt as I was saying all those words. I am a 33 years old single woman and hear you very well. I feel the same way and have fears of loneliness. I am very far from home too and would like to have a family with children. I have had many many boyfriends and friends coming and going out of my life. I too am a very successful person in whatever I choose to do in life. Recentlyو I lost the big circle of my close friends because I was nominated as the most successful charity event organizer in the whole community. You know what I learned from that? It is very lonely at the top. As I relate to you very closely, I can see that you are a very attractive, positive, beautiful and charming person. Believe me; we are lonely because not everyone can reach this high. In relation to your boyfriend, I do understand how difficult it is for you not to fear the future of losing him. I am and have been there many many times. Only one thing works for me: Trust your intuition. Go deep down inside and listen to your gut feelings. It is never wrong. Ask your heart the question and demand an answer. Believe me; you will have the answer in no time: in your dreams, in a song, in something on TV or radio and when the answer comes, you know it was meant for you. Trust it and you will be all right. Just don't forget: You are not alone. I hear you girl, hang in there.

[Maya]

Dear Shahrzad,

thanks so much for your message!

Why does it make us feel better if there are other people out there who feel the same? I don't get it. It doesn't really change the situation we're in, does it? :-) Well, I'm trying to say, in a clumsy way, your post did make me feel better :-)

I'm shocked that you lost friends by being a charity event organizer. I mean, I could understand anything else, but charity normally means you're reaching out to other people, how can you loose friends by that?

I too am a very successful person in whatever I choose to do in life.

See, that's the thing. Same here. I believe you can reach and achieve whatever you set your mind on, but love, a family, a soulmate etc. is just not one of those things, is it? You can't just make it a goal and achieve it, like anything else. So how do you do it? I keep being told, "look how much you have reached in your life, you've become this and that and you managed to do this and that, blah blah blah..." but what if the only thing that means "achievement" to me would be having a happy family by now, like all my other friends have, who stayed at home and never left, or they did and still managed!

Regarding the boyfriend situation, I've been ill all week at home, just sleeping sleeping sleeping, and he was the only one there for me. He came and cooked dinner for me, he stayed and watched tv on the couch with me, he was just there for me. The sweetest guy - and the only one who I can't tell how I feel. And I pull myself together and I'm all happy with him, but I notice how I'm getting detached and how I'm enjoying every moment like it would be our last and how I'm kind of looking at us from the outside.
Yesterday he mentioned in a conversation that he would leave in about one or two years. So there. I didn't need to ask. Maybe he begins to notice things, too, and he slips those remarks in, so I'm prepared and don't get in too deep. Hm. Too late But I felt all week like I've already broken up with him, so when it really happens, it can't get much worse. He's leaving tonight for a week, so maybe that will give us a chance to make our minds up about things. I keep thinking - should I get out now, or should I enjoy it while it lasts and just be happy? If I get out now, I will just make myself unhappy and it feels like sabotaging myself. On the other hand I know, I could never fully be happy in a relationship that I know will end soon.

The fact that you are a charity organizer must mean that you are very involved in your community. See, I'm not. After 7 years I still feel like a foreigner. All my friends are foreigners, too. I need to find a way to get involved in the community, only I'm away from home for 12 hours a day and the only way to join a community here seems to be the church and I am not religious... In any case, I've contacted a free English counselling service yesterday, which is part of a church but you don't need to belong to the church. They are specialized on foreigners so hopefully they can talk some sense in to me and maybe help me to get involved a little. Right now I just feel like I want to be adopted

Thanks so much, Shahrzad,
Maya

[Marussia]

Dear Maya
It is obvious that you are in quite some distress and on the whole, you have not had an easy time of it, and I really sympathize.  I’m also an expatriate –my family had to leave our country years ago and now we are scattered in every corner in the world.  Because to my work, I’ve lived in 7 different countries in the last 12 years and am due to move again in a few months (since childhood, I’ve lived in 13 countries altogether).  It’s been a long time since I’ve stopped trying to explain when people ask me where my home is.  Professionally, I’ve had a terrific career, but I must say my personal life has often had to take the backseat. It took time, but nonetheless, I have reached balance and la level of satisfaction with my situation.  I have a significant other for many years now, we love each other very much. We only meet every couple of months and have to travel to do it, but every minute we are together is unforgettable.  I have lots of friends all over the world – wonderful people of all types who enrich my life - some are superficial, but there is a core group with whom I keep close when we meet it’s like we never left.  Wherever I am, I don't waste time but quickly organize myself up to lead a normal life  - set up pleasant lodgings, identify pastimes and social venues, try to learn the language, look for networks,meet people, etc.

I’m not saying that this is what I wish for you, but just to tell you that it is possible to have a good life in many different ways, even as a stranger in a strange land, so don’t be too hard on yourself if things are not quite falling into place as you had planned.  Life can still be good and satisfying, one has to be open-minded and ready to make adjustments to one’s plans.  I have girlfriends who decided to forego the husband part, and simply have had a child that they are bringing up alone, and quite happily, too (hope this does not shock you).
 
You’ve worked a lot on changing yourself, you said, which is fantastic - maybe you should now sit back a bit and allow all this self-development work you did have its effect.  You can’t taste the soup if you don’t stop stirring the pot, so to speak. 
If you are feeling vulnerable and ill like this, iyour body may be trying to tell you something - I would say that besides the psychologist and counsellors which is great, you might also go and get a checkup. Often, temporary depressions can be due to physiological problems, especially for us women.   In short, I would suggest you take really good care of yourself and do everything that comes to mind – meditation, massages, sauna, walks, sunsets, movies, amusement park, dinner with friends, anything that you like to do and that makes you feel relaxed and cheers you up.   

As for the issue with your boyfriend, which seems to be what you really are most demoralized about, I was just wondering if you couldn’t perhaps give it some more time.  If you’ve been going out only for six weeks, that’s quite recent, and I would agree with you that’s a bit soon. As you say, he is also undergoing an upheaval in his life right now, break up of his marriage, a child he can’t be with, etc.   Not to depress you more but you should know, in Italy (I’ve lived there too) it takes 3 years to get a divorce on paper, but in reality it can take even four to five years because there is a terrible backlog in the courts.  I wouldn’t read too much into his statements that he is leaving in one or two years.  First of all, he had a life before he met you six weeks ago, so it is natural that he had some plans or the other.  Second, from what you say he  genuinely cares for you and this is not something to take for granted. Plans can be changed – if your love continues to grow and get stronger and you want to be together, what would prevent him from not leaving, or what would prevent you from not following him wherever he goes.  Houses can be sold, jobs can be changed.  You don’t even know if you’ll be alive two years from now, sorry to be blunt.  One of my good friends suddenly died a couple of weeks ago because of a blodclot in the brain - from one day to the next he was gone.   I would suggest that you enjoy every moment you spend with your friend and let the future take care of itself.   I would also recommend you follow Michael’s radio shows, especially on relationships – start with 200% Relationships, Relationship by numbers, Relationship Aha and there’s another one I can’t remember right now .   Sorry if I rambled too much, but I really felt I needed to reach out to you because you remind me of me
Love and all the best

[Tim]

Hi Maya,

Well, consider yourself adopted – by the geniuscatalyst community!

There’s a great quote from Richard Bach :
“The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of joy and respect in each other’s life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof”

He goes on to describe how we are like coils of copper wire and when we pour our own inner voltage through the wire it becomes magnetic and draws certain things, event and people towards it; leaving others untouched.

I suspect you already know this but only use it in times of dire need. Why not leave the magnet turned on and be prepared to be surprised?
The inner voltage that this magnet works best on is the love, acceptance and peace that you send yourself.

So try this:
- Think for a moment of your family – friends you have met, those you have still to meet. The love the universe has for you. And feel all that love and good feeling flowing towards you. Notice how you physically soften as you experience this.
- Accept that what is, is. Your boyfriend may leave or he may stay but it will be his decision. Whichever it is no amount of feeling bad about yourself will change it.
- Listen for that gentle, playful inner voice in the stillness of your heart – and smile.

Be good to yourself,

Tim.

[Maya]

Dear Marussia,

thank you :-)

Wow, I admire you for leading the life you do! I also have my best friends living all over the world, but I do need some who are "physically" here :-) to make me feel at home where I am. I do know quite some people here now and I have a social network, but I always measure things by i.e. the fact, "Who can I call when my toilet is broken?" ;-) And then I notice that it's very few people.

I'm not shocked at all by your girlfriends who decided to have children without husbands. If it would happen, it would happen, but it's not something I could ever "plan". I've seen too many fathers who suffered being away from their children, which were supposed to have been "accidents". I've even been "offered" a child by 2 men during the past years :-) but then, even if they would support me, which I doubted in both cases ;-) I would want them to support me and the child with "time" as well, not just with money.

Now, the boyfriend situation has sorted itself out yesterday. It was our last evening before he left for Italy for a week and he suddenly asked if I was OK, and he had already noticed the day before that something was wrong with me. Arrrgh, he shouldn't have asked, the tears started rolling :-) and all this time I was thinking I could keep up being all happy :-) So we talked, I told him I think I was not having a flu this week, but rather some kind of depression, that I was missing a "home", that I noticed he wouldn't be there forever, while I was having such a great time with him, but I wish I had more people who stay in my life, etc.  Well, I told him the truth how I felt and that I couldn't tell him earlier, because I needed the "evolution" of this whole week to figure out what was actually going on. It's true, I thought in the beginning it was all about him, but it's not, it's about me and the desire for a "home" and the need to connect with people around me in general, not just him. If I had told him at the beginning of the week, it would have been all projected on him, and I would for sure have driven him away by that.

We had a fantastic talk, he couldn't believe I - the strong person - could feel this way and all the things I had going for me, blah blah blah :-) Anyway, I think it's good we talked about it, I think our status has changed and we are not "a couple" or anything and we won't become one, but it won't change the fact how much time and fun we will be having together. He gave me "homework" for the week he's away, to buy some stuff for my house, so he can help me fixing up some things when he's back. So, it looks like I've gained some kind of new best friend. Who I will be adding to my list of best friends all over the world when he leaves :-)


Tim,

thank you for the nice words and adopting me :-) I need to read more Richard Bach! Have only read JLS so far...

Two nice things have happened since yesterday:
I went out with a couple of people last night - most of them I didn't know very well. I heard that one girl, who I only met once before, would have her birthday today, so when I left, I wished her a happy birthday in advance and said good bye. Then she ran after me, told me in which pub she would celebrate tonight and invited me!

And this morning I woke up with an idea how to fix all this, not only for me, but for other people as well. There must be more people who feel like me from time to time. The world is full of people who live far away from home, for work reasons or whatever, and feel lonely. It was really weird how "passionate" this idea came to me (inner voltage??) and how many other ideas on how to do it came with it right away. I had to run to my computer to put it all down.... It will require some work and I'm sure I have to read the book on "Following through"  to really do it and stick with it, but it's absolutely possible and maybe it's gonna be what I will call "the best thing I ever did" when I look back in a couple of years...
I have enough people here to bounce the idea off with and to help me with it and I will start right away on Monday!

I think I have recovered quite a bit now, and I'm thankful that this happened, as always when I learn something new about myself... :-)

Thanks again everybody, and Michael too, for providing this forum :-)
Maya

[Yorkshire Lass]

Hiya

Im really glad that your getting so much great advice on here, its a wonderful site hey!

Sounds like you are taking positive steps hunnie, hope you have fun tonight :-)

Nicky x

[Marussia]

Way to go, Maya

I can tell by your latest that the light in and around you is growing strong and bright again!

Namaste 

Marussia

[echidna-oz]

go for it girl... dancing.... classes ...anything....love will follow...

[11:11]

Hello,

I would like to input some of my thoughts on this... (the highly abbreviated version)

Saying that family ties are made by love, acceptance, respect and such is true, however, through many years of psychiatric visits I have come to accept the fact that blood is thicker than I am...

I understand the fear of loneliness, have had it all of my life.

It's funny because I've always attracted great people into my life, and I was granted a fully functional family 6 weeks after being born. Yes, I was adopted.

Loneliness is apparent in all of our lives, I understand that, and I am most certainly not trying to say that I am different or special. But, the fear of abandonment is very real, even though I have a loving wife and our first "mini-us" on the way.

-Think about it, if you can't talk about your dreams (or "clock") with the person you would want to share that part of your life with, is it even worth worrying about?

I will tell you something, seeing my first born will be the first time in my life that I will truly recognize someone as a blood relative. He/she will have characteristics like mine, that I am sure I will be blown away by.

Here's the point:

Loneliness is a by-product of a missing self image. You could fill your life with superstars and spiritual leaders and still feel alone - and I'm not saying that only because that is how I feel.

I think that you would do well by understanding that you are different, call it genius if you like, but not a lot of people think the way that "genial" types think...  Hence the "2% of the population" thing...

Different is a wonderful adjective used to describe great people!  Alone is a wonderful adjective used to describe a person that is still living for other people.


-my head is now spinning around...