Communication Question - Genius Catalyst

Hey, Beanie!

I think it's definitely a case of beginning with yourself - when you are able to better deal with whatever it stirs up in you when you see them unhappy, you'll be much better able to deal with them.

Here's a tip I wrote about it a few years back...

Mind Your Own Business for a Change

"I can find only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God's. (For me, the word God means 'reality'. Reality is God, because it rules. Anything that's out of my control, your control, and everyone else's control - I call that God's business.)"

-Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is and creator of 'The Work'

The message of today's tip is simple:

Most of the stress in our lives comes from spending too much time
in other people's business (or God's business) and not enough time minding our own.

Here's an analogy...

Imagine a row of shops, each owned by one of the significant people in your life. How much of your time do you spend in their shops, trying to get them to change their store policy, their inventory, or even the way they stock their display shelves?

Imagine going in to a McDonald's and doing the same if you worked for Burger King - do you think they'd be grateful and go along with whatever you said? :-)

Now, imagine what would happen to your own little franchise if you kept abandoning it for long periods of time - cobwebs would form in the corners, machinery would become rusty, perishables would perish, and who knows what would be stolen from your inventory while you were away?

Finally, imagine that this is no analogy. Have you ever noticed that no matter how much time you spend trying to sort out everyone else's life and putting the world to rights, nothing much changes and nobody's suitably grateful for your efforts?

Worse still, when we spend too much of our time 'out to lunch', cobwebs form in the corners of our minds, the machinery of our bodies becomes rusty, the delicate inspirations of the still small voice within perish in the cacophony of everyone else's problems, and days, weeks, months, even years disappear off our primary inventory - the time allotted for our lives. (And in our analogy, it's God's business just how much of that time you're going to get!)

"But if I stop trying to solve everyone else's problems and just focused on mine, won't they think I'm being selfish?" one workshop participant asked me in all earnestness.

"What they think of you is their business," I replied. "But you can care just as deeply, experience less stress, and be far more effective with the people, goals, and causes that matter most to you by learning to mind your own business while staying fully involved with your life."

Let's take a closer look at the three kinds of business:

1. My Business

I was talking to my mentor the other day, trying to work out exactly why I had got certain acting jobs and not gotten others, when he said, "I'll tell you exactly why, if you really want to know."

Expecting some great words of wisdom, I got this instead:

"The ones who hired you did it because they did, and the other ones didn't because they didn't."

Seriously underwhelmed, I replied, "But if that were true, then all I could do to advance my career is be prepared, show up, and do my best!"

In his silence (don't you hate it when they use silence? :-), I had a chance to reflect on and realize the truth in what I'd just said...

All I can do to advance my career, win the man or woman of my heart,
raise happy, healthy children, and bring about world peace is to:

Be prepared, Show up, and Do my best

2. Other People's Business

My mother used to always say to me "Le gout et le coleur ne dispute pas". While it took me years to figure out what in the heck she meant :-), I finally learned that it roughly translated to "there's no point in arguing about matters of personal taste". What it's taken me even more years to figure out is that EVERYTHING is a matter of personal taste - that is, people will choose to believe what they want to believe, say what they want to say, and do what they want to do no matter how obvious it is to me that they're wrong and I'm right!

If someone does choose to think, speak, or act differently after an encounter with me, it was still their choice - I just provided a context and an opportunity for them to re-consider what they were doing and choose differently.

3. God's Business

Whether it's praying for our favorite sports team to win, chanting for a new car, willing our bowling balls out of the gutter, or negotiating our karma ("please, just get me out of this mess and I promise I'll be good!"), we all have little and not so little ways of trying to make the world do our bidding.

But why are we so concerned with controlling the Universe?

According to television's "Dr. Phil", it's because we fear we won't be able to cope if things don't turn out the way we want. The more we focus on our business (developing the strength, flexibility, and wisdom to deal with whatever life has to offer us), the less we need to try to control the uncontrollable - the outcomes of our life.

As Dan Millman says with tongue firmly in cheek:

"How would God manage if you took the day off?"

Today's Experiment:

1. Make 2 lists on a piece of paper. On the left, list as many things you can think of which are under your direct control. On the right, list as many things as you can think of which are NOT under your direct control. This week, spend at least 5% more of your time than usual focusing on the things in the "Direct Control" column.

2. Choose a situation in your life you are finding stress-full. Break it down into which elements are your business, which are other people's business, and which are God's business.

Example:
I slept about 4 hours last night, and spent today working on our TV pilot and playing with my family. It is late, I'm tired, and the tip's not done yet.

My business:
Whether or not I write the tip
How much time I put into it
How much love, care, and attention I put into it
My attitude/point of view- am I sharing insights and ideas with full recognition that we're all in this thing (life!) together, or as if I'm sorted and you're broken and I know how to 'fix' you?

Your business:
Whether or not you enjoy and/or make use of this tip
Whether or not you share it with others
Whether or not you decide to enroll in our one year program
Whether or not you have fun and learn heaps

God's business:
Whether or not this tip reaches someone at 'exactly the right time'
How many people subscribe as a result
How many people will wind up joining the one year program as a result (I know, I know, but it's really a great program! :-)

3. Do the same with one of your significant life or career goals.

4. Do the same with a dream for the well-being of the planet (i.e. world peace, better education, putting an end to hunger and homelessness, etc.)

Have fun, learn heaps, and mind your own business for a change!

Happy exploring,
michael