In serious need of wisdom

[catherinem]

In the 3 weeks I've experienced a series of painful losses. My mother died suddenly. In the following couple of weeks, 3 friendships I valued ended, in once case with me being dumped unexpectedly and without explanation, the second ended as the person was also the brother of the dumping friend (divided loyalties), and the third had been coming on for a while. Other more minor losses have also occured. It's like my life is clearing out just about everything that held meaning for me, and it's disturbing.

I feel really horrible about myself now, and find myself with a rather bleak outlook. This litany of woe is not meant to sound self-pitying; I really need another perspective. My mother's death has been hard - I was her caregiver, as I was for my Dad, and now that they're both gone, I feel adrift and unsure where to go with my life. At a time when I need my friends - not as shoulders to cry on, but for the connection, love and laughter I always enjoyed with them, I find myself increasingly alone. I fear that I'm magnetizing tons of negative stuff because I can't seem to pull myself out of persistent grief and frustration/powerlessness. I'm sinking.

I'm a Buddhist and lifelong yoga practitioner, and have been trying to turn towards my spirituality, but I still feel really horrible. I guess my question is, now what? Where do I go from here? I would very much appreciate any words of wisdom about moving forward after your life falls apart. Thank you.

Catherine

[alcinoo]

Hello Catherine
I know this is an ASK THE COACH section however I want to reply too.
Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story and your pain.

Is your life really falling apart?
Is all of this not spiritual too?

I have found that my own spiritual practices (yoga and meditation daily) lead me to open myself up to the sipiritual nature of what is simply happening moment to moment.
There is no moment when god/the life energy/universe is not present.

I ask you to look at what is happening and see if you can love it as it is. You are telling yourself a story that is making you sick and unhappy.

How is life being kind in this moment. And how has it been kind to you and your loved ones.

It hurts to feel like life is HAPPENING to us. What is hurting is that it feels to you as though life is abandoning you and your are feeling adrift and lonely.

How are you abandoning life and rejecting her?

I love you
Alcinoo

[catherinem]

Alcinoo,

Thank you so much for this note. I've read it a number of times now, and have spent a lot of today thinking of ways that the Universe is actually being kind rather than inflicting pain. I came to some interesting conclusions, one being that perhaps I was ready to move on and a path is being cleared for me, that I had some attachments that I needed to leave behind, and if it was left solely up to me, I probably wouldn't have let them go.

I also tried sitting & meditating with the squirmy feelings rather than "trying to feel better" and while some of it was hell, at different points there was a lightness & hope - fleeting, but there. I think will have to revist this a number of times (i.e. daily) over the next while. I have no idea what comes next, but I will try to stay open to whatever presents itself moment to moment and not push away what arises. 

So thank you again - your message was Divinely sent and came just at the right extremely low point to pull me out of the story I'd been living for the past few weeks. I'm very grateful.

Namaste,
Catherine

[alcinoo]

What a pleasure, please keep in touch
with love
Alcinoo

[catherinem]

Hi Alcinoo,

Thanks for checking in! Things are considerably better now, and I'm finding that overall I'm feeling pretty happy about my present and optimistic about my future. I have another question though.

I've been remembering to ask myself "is this real, or am I telling a story" when I start feeling bad, and that has most often helped me get off the thought train that leads to feeling sad and/or bad about myself. Where I continue to get "unstuck" though is in analyzing past events for instances where I either did something wrong, or failed to do something. Logically, I know this is pointless, i.e. it's living in the past which I cannot change, and it's more ruminating than really looking for the lessons (which I feel I have done already). I guess I'm looking for some kind of closure on these events, which again logically I know rumination will not bring. Yet it keeps coming up. I feel like I should "know how to stop doing this", but I find that I don't. What am I missing?

Catherine

[alcinoo]

Hey Catherine,
The past is another story that you tell yourself, that your mind tells you. Its just pictures in your mind right now. The events that you see in your mind and seem so real that you even feel bad or guilty, when in fact what is really happening right now is right before your eyes.
Your mind wants closure on things that do not exist anymore.
Your mind thinks that what does not exist anymore SHOULD in fact be different. how insane is that? How can something that does not exist anymore be anything but a story?
Once you have seen that start to train your mind with all the shoulds. I should have done things differently- how is this a story?
Look at what is before you now and tell it that it should be different, look at your computer now and tell it that it should be different... how insane is that?
Peace comes when you see that what "IS" always wins and that your mind's battles with what no longer exists is a loser.
Its quite a relief in fact.
I am having some wonderful realizations as I work myself back to the present moment. I used to think that my life was a mistake. Now I am starting to realize that My way is The way. And that reality is my greatest teacher, my kindest ally. My mind is starting to see this too and opening up to that possibility. I used to fight with my own thoughts about myself and the world and now I find that what I experience is  all there IS and my mind is starting to let go of all the stories because its beginning to recognize its own insanity and allowing what IS to just BE, joyously.
love you and I love it that you wrote again
Alcinoo

[catherinem]

Hi Alcinoo,

Well thank you again for a wonderful, wise reply to my note. I've been surprised to notice in the last while just how often I am down the path into the past or the future, reacting to all of those thoughts almost automatically, and before I know it, my mood & energy have tanked. I found this line in your note particularly resonant:

"I used to fight with my own thoughts about myself and the world and now I find that what I experience is  all there IS and my mind is starting to let go of all the stories because its beginning to recognize its own insanity and allowing what IS to just BE, joyously."

So I'm now reminding myself to be with what is, and also to not take my thoughts so seriously...and feeling much better as a result, even in the midst of grief. Funny, in meditation/yoga, I let thoughts go all the time, but in my daily round I forget (7 years of mediation, 20 years of yoga...sad, isn't it ).

So thank you again for nudging me back on track, and providing words of wisdom that I really needed to hear.

Namaste,
Catherine

[alcinoo]

Hello!
" 7 years of meditation... 20 years of yoga.." and still the mind. I find it funny (not sad) because I do realize that I too have a tendency to compartmentalize everything, as if what I learn in meditation and  the Sat Chit Ananda that I experience is exclusive to it.
Only yesterday in my meditation I experienced the melting down of the mind. Its the kindest thing.
Lately I am un-learning a lot. Rememembering how much I love every facet of life, death illness. And the only pain is actually my own confusion. My thoughts beleiving that they have  power over something. And all the time life is getting on with it, the body is getting on with it, the sun is getting on with. Things come and go. And it all gets along just fine!
I love our conversation, with love
Alcinoo

[catherinem]

Hello!

In your last note you mentioned that you are "un-learning" many things. What a great way of looking at it! I realize all the time that the more I think I know, the more I learn, the more I need to un-learn!

I still have much work to do to embrace the more difficult things in life. Death, illness - accepting impermanence is an ongoing challenge. What you said about your thoughts believing they have power over things - that's exactly it!

How did you come to be able to embrace things like illness & death?

Indeed this is an awesome conversation!
Catherine

[alcinoo]

Recently a friend died.
I had not seen him for a while. We live very different lives.
Police broke into his house, took him from his family (he was 16), dragged him up to the top of the favela and shot him.
I remember that when I heard he had died I cried. I was shocked and horrified by the police's behaviour. This kind of thing happens here all the time. Rarely do we get to hear about these stories. In the papers, my friend was referred to by the journalists as a member of the drug gangs and gunned down during a raid.
People lie, authorities lie, the police murders, kids get shot in cold blood, the favelas stay poor and education is as bad as ever.
 The point was I felt powerless. No-one had asked for my permission. I wanted him to still be alive. And yet he was not. The story around his death to me was shocking. I imagined in my head the terror of his last moments. And with that movie I terrified my-self.
I questioned my thoughts around a lot of these issues. Now I find it difficult to feel his loss. I would have to train myself. Just like I had trained myself to beleive that feeling pain and suffering had something to do with the passing away of a friend or a loved one.
with love
Alcinoo

[catherinem]

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend! That he died in such circumstances, and at 16 - I have no words. That kind of brutality, the media's treatment of it, and the seemingly relentless cycle of poverty - it's hard to take in the things that human beings can do to eachother. That you have been able to take a wider perspective  - I admire that.

I don't know that I've thought of consciously separating pain/suffering from loss before. Someone you love dies - you cry - you feel pain, and it can last long time. I thought this was "the way loss is". Perhaps ongoing pain and suffering is more about the person suffering it than the loss itself? I have definitely suffered over my suffering at different times in my life.

You say you trained yourself to believe that pain & suffering had something to do with the passing away of a friend or loved one. That's such an interesting way of putting it. It's not that we naturally equate pain & loss and have to train ourselves to think differently?
Namaste
Catherine

[alcinoo]

You know, in my experience of pain/suffering due to loss of someone is a learned reaction, not a natural occurence.
Watch the movies, watch Tv, look at people around you and see how automatic it is, how much of it is happening in the head, and not in the moment. The idea of disaster is painful. Not what is happening. Everything carries on unconditionally and you are in pain, suffering, dividing yourself up from reality, rejecting it, pushing it away. That is painful.
In my experience, when you open up to your space inside of you, you stop reacting with suffering (which closes you up and  debilitates your capacity to stay present). I do look for that suffering inside of me, for that sense of loss, and I cannot find it. I realize that I am still here and whole and that I am joyful that I can stay present rather than lose it.
This feels true for me, it feels kind to me.
With love
Alcinoo