Job Performance Warning - Lacking Joy and Happiness in Life

[jpenguin31]

I am struggling right now.  All I think are negative thoughts.  I have never been a happy go lucky person but when I am confronted with a major problem I feel like I just go into this totally negative state and find it hard to function. 

What has happened is that I received a formal written Performance Warning on September 5th.  I can't seem to get out of the shock of it and just am so overwhelmed because it is a real no win situation.  I feel totally worthless, inadequate, inefficient, the list goes on.  I feel stuck.  The warning and the expectations to keep my job are near impossible.  In the warning are comments such as expected to complete all items without asking for extra hours.  This itself is degrading because I have a bigger book of accounts and was given a whole new book, while others in the same position only had a partial change in accounts.    My manager did tell me she would take 50 accounts, but I did told her I did not agree with what she was going to take. The line she was taking was better business with better ratios.  I asked for help with the accounts that were more problems and she said that would not be fair to reassign. 

Prior to the warning I asked for help, and asked for relief on the number of accounts I handle because we just had another reassignment of accounts and unfortunately I ended up with a larger than average book of accounts and a book of accounts that were mainly from two people who had been out for long medical leaves. I was the backup for one of them who was out for nearly 6 months and my performance had been impacted previously due to my being her backup but I was simply downgraded on my performance evaluation so that I did get a pay increase etc.   In addition to the change in accounts I also have a different boss due to the reorganization.  I had a hard time with my former boss and it seems now it is even worse because here I am on warning status.     I think part of what triggered the warning is that I took the first week long vacation in over 5 years.  In the warning there was a comment that I did not ask my backup to look at enough of my accounts  while I was out.  Well, while I was out my backup did not even do what I asked her to do.  I am not blaming her, but  I feel like I am being targeted to a certain degree. 

 I could go on and on here.  But the problem at hand here is that I feel so inferior and unable to cope with this and my biggest fear is if I lose my job how do I survive.  I mean I need to get a new job and jobs have never been easy to find for me.

I go to work and spend my day working as hard as I can but it is never good enough.  I feel like I am falling further behind and things out of my control continue to fall apart on my accounts.  I can rationalize that it is the universe nudging me to get out.  Which I know I need to do.  But the issue here is that I am feeling so worthless and paralyzed that I can hardly do anything.  I find that even things at home are hard to do.  I have to push myself to even do things I like to do like puttering around the house.  What I would rather do is crawl into a ball and just fade into nothing. 

Compounding my feeling of inadequacy is the state of the economy. Like I mentioned jobs seem to be always hard for me to find.  I stayed with a shrinking company 15 years until I luckily got my current job.  Today I am not feeling so lucky, my current job was right 5 years ago but not now. 

I have this huge knot in my chest at times it is so tight I can hardly breath.  I am in tears sometimes even at my desk, luckily I have not shown it to others.   I am afraid to go to the doctor because I do not want to find out that there is something physically wrong.  If I lose my job, a health condition will make it impossible for me to get insurance. 


I have posted my resume, had a call from a staffing agency but when I called them back they did not return my call. 

My friend pointed out something that I said that was so telling of my state of feeling inadequate, I stated something to the effect I wish I could find a job that I was good enough at.  Well, he pointed out how degrading that is to myself.  I guess it is.     

I pray constantly? write out so much of what is on my mind in notebooks, most of it unfortunately is negative.   I have asked my angels and the fairies for help.  The main feeling I have is fear.   How do I get out of this negative stuck state of mind?    I feel like such a failure already and I still have the job.  Part of me is so scared of not getting another job or a job that will take away from the life I finally have outside of work. 

I have a weekly Buddhist meditation group,  I go to Catholic Church on Sunday, go to another meditation every week, have a monthly meditation and take metaphysical workshops regularly.  I am scared of ending up in say a retail job with no insurance and not having weekends or evenings free.    I guess this is why I am holding on to a job I know is not working for me and is not good for me.  I keep working harder and harder and giving up myself and it is not working.  I had vacation scheduled since January in September which I cancelled since I am trying so hard to  get as much as I can done on the reports etc so I can keep this job and not have to cope with being fired. 

I fear that my heart is breaking into more and more piece that I cannot mend.  I see myself feeling so down and keep trying so hard to just smile, to find joy but it just seems I can?t get out of this.

I know I have been all over the place here, maybe this is part of why I am where I am.  I fear my bosses are right, I am disorganized, messy, unable to prioritize etc.  I so much don?t want to be a victim, but I know I am and I just don?t know how to get out of this mode.

How do I improve myself to be in joy and happiness even in  bad times?

Thank you for listening.

[C]

Hi

I've been thinking about you for the last few days since I first read your post as I feel your pain because I went through something very similar a few years ago.  However, not being a coach or counsellor I felt it was inappropriate of me to answer you.

Today I was listening to the radio to a section called "Changing Tracks" and a girl told her story of being miserable in her job and yet again it sounded familiar.

To listen to it go to http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/programmes/schedules/ and click on the Sara Cox show for October 8th at 10.00. The whole show is nearly 3 hours long but you can move the cursor to the right spot which is about 1hour and 5 mins in. It is only available for one week from this date.

As for my situation it gradually got worse (both inside and outside work) until I had to start stress counselling through a scheme offered by my work and then my partner got a job which meant we had to move 500 miles which was a perfect get out clause for me.

On paper my situation is probably worse than it was back then and after the move I went through several things that you wouldn't wish on your enemies but never once did I ever wish I was back in that job.

I wish you all the best.

C xx

[Tomwalked]

in my own life, I find that when I am at my most miserable and most feeling "backed into a corner" I find the greatest energy to change the things I know need to change.
it sounds as though you are feeling some misery, and now you have a choice:
start moving toward the light, or allow yourself to steep in the darkness a little while longer before you start moving toward the light.

you know yourself.
you know your intrinsic value.
looking toward others for validation, is a false economy.
remind yourself every morning and every evening of the wonderful things you have in your life even if that is something seemingly small... start with the small and you may find that more and more beautiful wonderful things about your life will come up.
you are blessed, and now it is just time for you to see it.

here is wishing you the best "Penguin" - you are not alone.
.

[jpenguin31]

CXX Thanks for sharing and the link to the radio show.  I listened to it, and I can sure relate.   I have to stay at my job, I cant afford to be without health insurance.  But, I am taking steps, though small at this point to find a new job.

I am still not in a joyful state, but I think I am working out the garbage, and have to come to a place to not worry what others think so much. And know that my job performance is the best I can do, and God knows that I am doing my best. It is still hard feeling my boss doesnt see my efforts and progress.

I saw my psychologist yesterday and well, his push is that I get a new job...and need to start doing something so that I dont continue to feel so stuck in the woe is me thinking. When I brought up the depression he talked about how he wishes he could show me prior to this last situation. He really seems to feel it is situational. I don't want to get into bad mouthing my employer, but even though are the biggest employer in the area it is also know for a rather tough standards of employees and even good employees that are treated well seem to burn out at some point.

I do have a job interview on Thursday, and that is a good thing. I don't think I have enough experience or knowledge in what the main duties are, but even if it doesnt turn into a job it is experience in an interview again. It is through an employment agency and it is a step. It is a good agency that works with one of the clinics here etc and it is more professional than some of the others who place for seasonal call centers etc.

I had a reiki session yersterday evening.  My first and have to say it felt very good, I felt more positive than a 45 minute session with a therapist.   The reiki person pointed out a spot above my heart, she called it a pocket of sadness,  that I was not sure of at the time but I think it is about being bullied - in the past and now. 

I guess I really need to focus on the good things and the stuff I am doing and not beat myself up. I am still very scared of my work situation, with the economy as it is and being a single person I feel like I really have noone to lean on.



Thanks for listening.

John

[C]

Well, John, you certainly sound a whole lot brighter than you did earlier on in the week and Tom's post reminded me of the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

About 15 years ago I knew a woman who every body called 'Serenity Betty'. She didn't have the easiest life but said the prayer almost constantly when things were getting difficult up to about 40 times a day! She was a great person who certainly never came across as stressed. I'm certainly thinking of taking a leaf out of her book even though I haven't previously.

I wish you luck in your interview and you may well have had it by the time you read this. I am by no means a seasoned interviewer but I have conducted quite a few interviews and 4 years ago I interviewed a young girl with absolutely no relevant experience and her degree was also totally irrelevant to the post. However, she was clearly extremely intelligent, had a warm generous nature and although she didn't say this I felt that she would have done the job voluntarily if she could have afforded to. I took her on, provided her with the same training as the others and she was brilliant. The post was only part time and she is no longer with us. (Last I heard she was in Spain doing conservation work) Ironically her replacement had loads of experience, a relevant degree and was even studying for a masters in the field - she was a disaster!

Whilst a warm, generous nature may not work in sales, my point is that any decent interviewer is looking for an aptitude and potential ability to do the job and fit into to the team as training can often be provided and in this society we all need our skills updating from time to time.

Be positive - the right post will come at the right time.

C

[Tomwalked]

.


Penguin.

I was listening to the hay house archives, Michael's show - "you can have what you want" in which he was talking to Richard Bandler an NLP (neuro-linguistic programming(?)) guy.
Personally, not very familiar with NLP but it seems like most every one else here is...
Well, he had a few techniques on how to make things "less important", through some really very simple processes...
Simply by seeing how the images appear in your mind; are they movies or slides, are the B&W or color, where do you see them in my head (left right center up down), and then in your own mind transposing them into counter states... make them smaller, make them cartoony, etc...
there is lots more so listen to the show if you can.

Pardon my ignorance if you are familiar with NLP and I a preaching to the choir, and also pardon my ignorance if I am using the wrong words in describing NLP techniques... (to me the words are not as important as communication)


And to say Penguin, I am glad you seem to be taking some steps toward health with all this.

here is encouraging you along!

Tom




.

[Tim]

Hi, John

A couple of thoughts having read your post.

The first is a question; and a question that you will have come across before if you?ve been looking round this site.

What would you really love to do?

The comments about experience that you have made when talking about looking for another job suggests that you?re looking for another sales job. Yet you don?t write as though you actually enjoy the process of selling (leaving aside the office politics). If finding another job in sales is what would really bring joy into your life, then go for it.  On the other hand, if the thought of spending the rest of your life in a sales job doesn?t make you face light up with delight, it may be time for a rethink.
Forgive me for being a miserable old b*s*a*d here but there?s a real danger of finding yourself in the same situation in a different job if it?s something you fundamentally dislike. 

So see your current situation as an opportunity. An opportunity to think about the direction that you want your life to take, to explore new ideas and to take steps to ensure that you never find yourself in the same situation again.
I very much recommend Michael?s book You Can Have What You Want as a source of ideas and exercises to guide you through this process. Failing that, feel free to email me for a more explicit nudge in the right direction.

Take care,

Tim.

[jpenguin31]

Tim,

I am taking your thinking that I am in sales as a compliment, but I am not in sales.  I am not a salesman type, I kinda wish I were.  I work as a billing/receivable analyst for a very large insurance company.  The pay is good, the benefits are good, but things like vacation are not good if you really can't take them. A big part of this performance warning is that I took the first vacation time of more than a day or two in a row, actually this is a first in my life.  I am not a young kid anymore... so I did deserve the time.  Last year my former supervisor said it was my fault that I had to take 4 days last December and that my performance was affected.  Now I had signed up for a week in June, July, and August and well here I go again but more serious.  I say this more to comfort myself.  Because I have found myself feeling so worthless and incompetant and slow since the warning and I do know better.  I think FEAR has been a big problem for me.  I was blaming myself, and still am.  But, I did not deserve this, and it should not hurt me like it does. 

I write in a notebook but that is for myself.  It is good to write and know someone else cares enough to read what I say, that is why I really appreciate the boards.  I have lessons to learn and i have to accept that sometimes hard work doesn't get recognized and fair is not always the way I am treated.  I have to not let it destroy me.

Today someone at work was pretty pushy with me, in pointing out that I have to not let myself stay down.  She was more forceful.  It is very true.  I do wish I was more positive in general and wish that I could be more happy and not so affected by situations etc.  But I also think that we all are different.  I certainly dont want to be known as a negative sad complainer. 

SO.... if I want to change my life, I know I need to change. 

I had the interview, I was not a good choice because they really focused on one thing that I dont have enough background in and actually dont know that I want to focus on as a job anyway. 

I dont know if I did the best the interview.  I find it hard to articulate what I want in a job.  Right now in this fear state, I just want a job with management that treats employees like human beings and not production machines. 

I am trying so hard to not get wrapped up in worry.  But, I am so scared of being fired and being stuck without a job.   I know that I should not focus on it if I dont want that to happen, but well it is there.  I see so many things at work that unfortunately I am not making progress on so I am still worrying. 

I know that many people go through being fired and even worse, but as self centered as it sounds, it is me going through this. 

Sorry I did not keep this more upbeat.

Thanks again all for listening.

John