sucker-punched . . . and reverberations

[clq]

Any kind, knowing soul who is willing to take a crack at this . . . my I ching specifically said to ask for help from good counsel.

My husband got deeply involved in an affair last year and found my breaking point before he was able to let it go.  I moved back to DC and in with my brother and his family. After five months of crying and why-ing -- and okay, occasionally screaming like a crazy person -- I feel pretty good right now . . . maybe it?s the new year and new presidency, but change and hope, I?m feeling it. 

One unexpected side effect has lingered though:

I feel so transparent when I go out into the world.   I don't want it to come up why I moved to DC or to chat about me at all.  Even though I've practiced a couple generic responses, I get nervous and feel/seem phony or suspicious or evasive.  A big part of my work as an interiors artist (specialty painting and design) is based on trust, and I'm unable to project ease because of what I'm hiding.  I feel humiliation over the end of my marriage ? even though it?s my choice now to not go back, honestly when I hear from him now, I just feel numb --  and it has worsened my already shaky feeling of competence at work .  And my worth as a person is shaken, even though I know it shouldn't it is there?. 

After nine years in this relationship, the last thing I want to do is advertise that I'm available.  I don't want to got back to dating.  But it's already surfaced -- since I've been in DC I've been asked out a few times -- it catches me off guard as I'm certainly not reaching out.  I?m not hanging out in bars or anything like that, just working and  occasionally taking myself to a movie or a bookstore or gathering, fine to be out by myself.  Outwardly I'm trying to be polite and to deal, but inside I have a very strong negative reaction. . . dismay and dread and resentment . . . at feeling burdened when I'm just minding my own business, or just responding friendly not having my guard up all the time.  I know logically that they're just inquiring and the asking is harmless, but it feels so unexpected and invasive.  I even had one stranger persist in walking with me to my destination and wait while he fished for a card.  It usually catches me off guard and I can't think of how to get out of it in the moment and  I don't want to be harsh, I just don't have the energy to deal with them.  Even though it's just a petty incident, it will haunt me for days, sometimes crying in frustration or angrily telling them off in my head . . . why am I so upset?

What I'm going through today is actually not with a stranger; a platonic friend from years ago has resurfaced and asked to get together to catch up, but due to scheduling it's been delayed, and from his messages I realize now that his true intention is likely romantic.  I have delayed returning his latest call which is so rude as I had agreed to commit to a night this week for dinner. I'm afraid I'm going to overreact, I just want it to go back to feeling safe.   

Help . . .  what is it?...  I can't place what's going on . . something to do with childishness and ego, but I can?t get a clear read on it . . .

I'd like to be able to handle these situations lightly, quickly, with grace and ease, and not let it consume so much energy - my nature leans towards happy, but I can get really bogged down with these issues.

grateful for any feedback,
cynthia

[Tomwalked]

I love the i-ching... although since no "good counsel" has answered yet.. I'll give it a crack!


 >  Help . . .  what is it?...  I can't place what's going on . .
 >  something to do with childishness and ego, but I can't
 >  get a clear read on it . . .
 > 
 >  I'd like to be able to handle these situations lightly, quickly,
 >  with grace and ease, and not let it consume so much energy
 >   - my nature leans towards happy, but I can get really bogged
 >  down with these issues.


cynthia

it is ok to be easy with yourself.
maybe it isn't childishness... but good old fashioned "protecting myself"

be gentle.
you have gone through... and ARE going through a huge shock to the system.
do everything you can to protect yourself...
in the time you need.

if an old friend is wanting your time... whatever his intentions (romantic or not) it is YOURS to decide to give or not.

there is nothing wrong with saying...
"Hey, old friend, I want to be clear up front with you.... because we are old friends that I have no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with you or really anyone right now... and if I have misread you, I apologize for that.  I may be interested in grabbing a bite to eat with you sometime soon, but, you know where I am coming from right now... I need it to be a timing that is right for me."



it may be that right now "grace and ease" are not the sharpest tools in your toolshed.
thats ok too.


but... apparently in your life...
you are being supplied with plenty of "opportunities" to re-hone the tools.
nothing wrong with practicing in front of a mirror... like lines in a play... "Thank you... but, NO Thank You."



ultimately, cynthia you are doing well.
it is easy to read in your post that you are in the middle of something that is big. and sometimes being there isn't always the most comfortable place to be... but, there is "the other side" to get to. and the journey along the way... and all those things help inform us, and strengthen us - make us who we are.

[clq]

Your reply was warm and insightful . . . I appreciate it, Counselor. 

I got up the nerve to call my friend today and express my hesitation at getting together.
I literally printed out your words for reinforcement and had them in my hand.  I was nervous and apologetic at first but he was gracious, and even though he didn't deny his romantic inclination, if we do go out to eat at some point, he reinforced that we are friends and was accepting where I stand.   

And so the weight is lifted . . . phew.  Thanks for the reinforcement.

So, your take then:  Unwanted advances used to practice grace and lightheartedness?  Hmmmm...Good one.  I swear I wouldn't have thought of it.  From that perspective not a threat but a challenge, a challenge in a good way.  That changes everything doesn't it?  Funny how a simple shift in perception can . . . I would almost invite it now, as I really need practice and I'm curious if I'll feel calmer the next time it comes up . . . Wait wait wait . . . no, I don't want to invite it right now.  Ack.  Let me get some more work done first . . .

thank you so much,
cynthia

[Tomwalked]

.



AWESOME cynthia!!!

I'm glad it turned out so well...
it usually does though doesn't it?

it is our resistance that creates conflict more so than the facts before us.



>  I would almost invite it now, as I really need
>  practice and I'm curious if I'll feel calmer the
>  next time it comes up


let's not go nuts cowgirl!!!
there is PLENTY of natural opportunity for practice...


ok... that being said...
i-ching... astrology...
I kinda invest in them for the tools they are.

I read this statement a few years ago...
it now is pasted on the wall behind my desk.
written by an astrologer / fringe-society guru Rob Brezsny
this passage speaks to the challenges... specific dahrmic tasks for Aries people.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
> 
>  The most dangerous life I can live is a "safe one".
> 
>  To develop courage is my most crucial assignment,
>  And there's no better way to do that than by regularly pushing into unknown territory.
> 
>  If I tolerate boredom, I'm inviting the universe to come kick my ass;
>  To force me through unpleasant distractions to summon more boldness.
> 
>  As I pursue the Real Magic...
>  I must consistently Face My Fears...
> 
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

little plug for Rob Breszny...
(and the beauty and truth laboratory - freewillastrology.com/beauty/)
he has a book called - "Pronoia - an antidote for paranoia"

his approach is a little too "scattered" for some... but... wow, great stuff.




again... Cynthia... glad it has worked out so well.
and know that you are an exquisite delightful creature...
and when the time is right another exquisite delightful creature will enter your life...
and you will have exquisite delightful adventures together.




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