tom. 

I haven't 'met' anyone as engaged in doing your work . . . 
AND supporting the rest of us with our work . . .

You're the bomb. 

keep on dancing.

Sonia Coquette said in Creating you Hearts Desire that we need to stop
trying to figure out what we ultimately want because we can't possibly know . . .

we can only focus on what we want today, this week, this month, at the most
this year and just work with that . . .

takes the pressure off . . . though it doesn't necessarily take away the longing to WANT to figure it out  . .  .

do you expect yourself to be perfect too?  Are you hard on yourself as well?
Are you unwilling to accept your own flaws? It can be pretty hard to take when
you realize that the expectations you have for others you yourself cannot uphold.

accept yourself . . . then you'll be able to open yourself to others . . .

we are so ultra-human . . . and it's okay . . . we just keep learning and learning.

You guys may already know about these two bits, but thought
I'd share them just in case since they both created breakthroughs
for me.

Eckhard Tolle talks about what he calls the pain body
in his book A New Earth -I think it's in chapter 4 or 5 (but I would
suggest starting with chapter three; he's got some insights that are
eye-opening; I had a couple of those Oprah aha moments.   

If you can't seem to shake the negative emotions or physical symptoms or phobias
from those negative memories, Michael Neill's talked about EFT or TFT on his radio series,
and it may be worth a try. Even though the DIY talking and tapping doesn't seem like it
could really do anything significant, it's weird, it works. 

There are variations of the tapping sequence, but the basic version I first learned by watching a video on tapping.com because I had only heard Michael walk someone through it and I wanted to see it to make sure I was understanding what I was supposed to do.  It has amazed me on several occasions with instant results; I was able to dissipate emotional or physical pain within a few rounds of tapping.

He mentioned David Feinstein as a good source, and I'm just reading The Promise of Energy Psychology now to become more informed,  but my understanding is that this work has something to do with negative energy getting stored in the body and uses principles of acupressure by DIY tapping on a series of points on your body to unblock and release emotional and physical pain. 

regards,
cynthia

I just saw this from advice columnist Carolyn Hax in reply to
a woman in pain wanting to talk to her boyfriend:

"Make the decision, now, that this relationship is over; even if he comes around,
even if he's contrite, you're done.

Deciding that you'll never stand to be treated this way again would be restorative in itself.

But if you go beyond that and take deliberate steps to restart your life as a single person --
as opposed to waiting around for him to make it all okay again -- then you're acting on that
decision.  And rising to that (admittingly) formidable challenge taps into the most reliable
pain-relief available:  proof that you don't live at the end of anybody's leash."

I haven't checked it out myself, but she has a weekly chat at noon on Fridays:
www.washingtonpost.com/discussions     

hope this helps . . . peace,
cynthia

Your reply was warm and insightful . . . I appreciate it, Counselor. 

I got up the nerve to call my friend today and express my hesitation at getting together.
I literally printed out your words for reinforcement and had them in my hand.  I was nervous and apologetic at first but he was gracious, and even though he didn't deny his romantic inclination, if we do go out to eat at some point, he reinforced that we are friends and was accepting where I stand.   

And so the weight is lifted . . . phew.  Thanks for the reinforcement.

So, your take then:  Unwanted advances used to practice grace and lightheartedness?  Hmmmm...Good one.  I swear I wouldn't have thought of it.  From that perspective not a threat but a challenge, a challenge in a good way.  That changes everything doesn't it?  Funny how a simple shift in perception can . . . I would almost invite it now, as I really need practice and I'm curious if I'll feel calmer the next time it comes up . . . Wait wait wait . . . no, I don't want to invite it right now.  Ack.  Let me get some more work done first . . .

thank you so much,
cynthia

Any kind, knowing soul who is willing to take a crack at this . . . my I ching specifically said to ask for help from good counsel.

My husband got deeply involved in an affair last year and found my breaking point before he was able to let it go.  I moved back to DC and in with my brother and his family. After five months of crying and why-ing -- and okay, occasionally screaming like a crazy person -- I feel pretty good right now . . . maybe it?s the new year and new presidency, but change and hope, I?m feeling it. 

One unexpected side effect has lingered though:

I feel so transparent when I go out into the world.   I don't want it to come up why I moved to DC or to chat about me at all.  Even though I've practiced a couple generic responses, I get nervous and feel/seem phony or suspicious or evasive.  A big part of my work as an interiors artist (specialty painting and design) is based on trust, and I'm unable to project ease because of what I'm hiding.  I feel humiliation over the end of my marriage ? even though it?s my choice now to not go back, honestly when I hear from him now, I just feel numb --  and it has worsened my already shaky feeling of competence at work .  And my worth as a person is shaken, even though I know it shouldn't it is there?. 

After nine years in this relationship, the last thing I want to do is advertise that I'm available.  I don't want to got back to dating.  But it's already surfaced -- since I've been in DC I've been asked out a few times -- it catches me off guard as I'm certainly not reaching out.  I?m not hanging out in bars or anything like that, just working and  occasionally taking myself to a movie or a bookstore or gathering, fine to be out by myself.  Outwardly I'm trying to be polite and to deal, but inside I have a very strong negative reaction. . . dismay and dread and resentment . . . at feeling burdened when I'm just minding my own business, or just responding friendly not having my guard up all the time.  I know logically that they're just inquiring and the asking is harmless, but it feels so unexpected and invasive.  I even had one stranger persist in walking with me to my destination and wait while he fished for a card.  It usually catches me off guard and I can't think of how to get out of it in the moment and  I don't want to be harsh, I just don't have the energy to deal with them.  Even though it's just a petty incident, it will haunt me for days, sometimes crying in frustration or angrily telling them off in my head . . . why am I so upset?

What I'm going through today is actually not with a stranger; a platonic friend from years ago has resurfaced and asked to get together to catch up, but due to scheduling it's been delayed, and from his messages I realize now that his true intention is likely romantic.  I have delayed returning his latest call which is so rude as I had agreed to commit to a night this week for dinner. I'm afraid I'm going to overreact, I just want it to go back to feeling safe.   

Help . . .  what is it?...  I can't place what's going on . . something to do with childishness and ego, but I can?t get a clear read on it . . .

I'd like to be able to handle these situations lightly, quickly, with grace and ease, and not let it consume so much energy - my nature leans towards happy, but I can get really bogged down with these issues.

grateful for any feedback,
cynthia