Hi, I'm Guy, I'm 22, and just your average young male. However, I'm adopted and have been in counseling for the last 3 years trying to sort out all my feelings and emotions about it. I will give a little background information first before I ask any questions.
I was adopted as soon as I was born because my mum was 17 and not capable of looking after me. My adoptive Mother is my Biological mum?s older sister; she agreed she would adopt me. My biological mum therefore became like an aunt. It was never kept a secret and I always saw my biological mother but was never close to her. My parents are brilliant and have brought me up well and I love them very much.
I have had allot of success with counseling and gradually, step by step I have learned to feel better and happier than I did in my teenage years. I have gotten angry, cried, and talked about my adoption at length in counseling and with my parents and family & friends because I knew I had serious feelings and issues with it that were holding me back.
The feelings I've had about it ranged from very strong Anger, Hurt, Guilt or blame, which I know are natural feelings. One thing that has been in my life constantly though is a feeling off I'm not worth it or good enough to have the things I want or let success or good relationships and friendships come to me. The ?I?m not worth it feelings? when I was younger would make me actively reject things and people that came my way. While now I don?t actively reject anything, I feel there?s still a little bit of those feelings there, some sort of energy that?s just subtly, gently keeping me where I feel comfortable being.
I have worked and worked at shifting these feelings because while my life is ok, I'm subtly holding back and I'm very indecisive about committing to things that involve my future. I thought I had dealt with these feelings in my counseling but they keep reappearing, sometimes weeks can go by where I don't feel those feelings, but I think they are always there in the background somewhere, subtly only letting in to my life the things I think are at my level or that I deserve.
I can logically work around these feelings in my head because logically: It was not my fault I was adopted, and logically nobody is to blame everyone did the best they could at the time. Even though I know these feelings aren?t logical they are still there underneath everything else.
My question is, why can?t I get rid of these feelings, I have gotten to the stage where my life is completely different to what it was, I?m quite positive and have lots of great things and people in my life and have done fairly well for myself.
Yet the feelings remain lurking in the background ready to pounce.
I have cried and cried, and talked and talked till I was sick of talking and felt I just wanted to get on with things. So I did. But then out of nowhere I would ?Shit myself? (apologies for my French and stop whatever it was I was doing that was making me happier and feeling more content and happy in life.
Does anybody have experience with this? Has anyone been through something similar? I have been told these feelings can stay with you for a long time but I refuse to believe that I can?t beat them and just let go, fly and live an amazing happy life. And I don?t think it would take much for that to happen!
All the best for 2010