healthy personal relationship or family "models"

[emmacombes]

Hi,

does anyone know where I can find a healthy model of a relationship, or family?  I'm using model in the NLP sense of the word...
Strange question, but I am working on healing an emotionally abusive childhood, and continually choosing emotionally abusive partners.  One thing I've realised it that I dont know what "healthy" looks like.  I've made vast improvements over the years and also have a few ideas myself, but I want to get some more ideas in what I want my "ideal" to look like, and therefore create it and know what I'm looking for.

Thanks

 

[Elese]

One thing I've realised it that I dont know what "healthy" looks like.  I've made vast improvements over the years and also have a few ideas myself, but I want to get some more ideas in what I want my "ideal" to look like, and therefore create it and know what I'm looking for.
Thanks
 

Dearest Emma,

I also chose a string of partners who were different versions of the same mold (new day, same guy, different name!). 

The only way I know to find the answer to your question is to continue to look inside where you are looking now.  I found my answers when I learned to listen and heed my own inner wisdom.  You have that wisdom inside, no matter what has happened to you.  What happens when we make mistakes is sometimes we think we can't trust ourselves because we've blown it in the past.   

You say you have a few ideas... so here are some ways to get some more...

Have you taken all the opposites of what you have experienced so far and written down a list?

 Another thing to do is to look around at people you know... cast a wide net...When you see a relationship you feel is a good one, scan your own insides to see what are the qualities you think you are seeing?  You could complete the sentence
"I think this is a happy relationship because..."
"I imagine they get on really well because they..."
"They have been together 30 years because..."
list qualities that each possess, what you imagine their agreements are, what you think their shared values are. 
You don't actually need to ask them or even know - you can just make it up!

See what kind of relationships and couples attract you as you walk around and ask yourself what you are seeing that you like.   Maybe keep a list of qualities, values, etc... 

After all,  even if you do find a great model for 'healthy' from somewhere, you will still need to know if it's right for you and compare it against who you are on the inside.  Otherwise it will always be just somebody else's idea.  Only you know what is right for you.

Is this making sense?

Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford is a great heart healing book, with many practices for turning inside and learning to hear your own guidance. Maybe George Pransky's 'Relationship Handbook' or Greg Baer's 'Real Love.'  Not sure if books would be what you are after or if these are on the right track ... so feel free to contact me if you wish.

If you don't know me, I was Michael's apprentice last year, I am on staff at Supercoach Academy this year...

happy to assist

Love

Elese

I've done a few radio shows on both intuition/inner wisdom and relationships - you may find something there on www.elesecoit.com  - I haven't got all the archives on my site, there are more here
http://www.contacttalkradio.com/hosts/archives/elesecoit.html

Also, check out Gay and Katie Hendricks!   www.hendricks.com

[emmacombes]

Hi Elese,

Thanks for this, yes the book suggestions are great, if you have any more I would love to hear...   Real Love seemed to ring true for me flicking through the first few pages on amazon so I'll try and get a copy.

I've done the opposite of what went wrong to create positive affirmations and ideas which is good, also the questions you start asking are a great idea.... 

See what kind of relationships and couples attract you as you walk around and ask yourself what you are seeing that you like.   Maybe keep a list of qualities, values, etc...

Its funny but I dont really notice couples, ever!  So now I'm sure I'll be noticing them everywhere!

thanks for all the ideas, I've checked out the radio shows but could you give me the link to the ones on relationships or just the name so I can scroll to find them?

Many Thanks

[MaryRC]

Hi Emma!  I feel like my husband and I have a pretty good relationship.  It was really rocky at first, because he was abusing alcohol.  However, he hasn't had a drink since September 2000.  Since then, it has been really good.  We have our money problems, but we each acknowledge that we were both rebels, and that we made poor life choices early on.  We are working to make a good life together. 

We are both artists.  (Horrors!  LOL!)  We met when I was 43, and he was 38.  (Yes, I robbed the cradle!)  I have a grown son from my first, very short marriage.  He had never been married, nor did he have children.  However, we do have a dog and a lot of cats.   

I am 60 now, and he is 55.  We have been married for over 14 years.  I amazed that we found each other, and I feel very blessed that we are still together when so many aren't.  We are both very loyal to each other.  That is key in a good relationship.  We have arguments.  Everything is not perfect.  We get depressed about our situation sometimes, but we love each other very much.  And, really, he is my best friend.

I just want you to know you can form a good relationship, even if you are a rebel!     

[MeMaggie]

Hi Emma,

My father is an alcoholic, and so I am an Adult Child of Alcoholic. My childhood was far from happy and I did not grew up with the 'model' of happy relationship. I believe that to know why we do not have a good reference point is important, but not in order to digg in the past and painful experiences - it serves no purpose. So what did I do? Well first of all I did not look for any model. Model means certain pattern, it is term that is very limited as people are different, have different needs, different personalities. I looked back in my past experiences and recalled behaviours of both my parents  and my father toward me. I looked at what caused my fear and anxiety in those behaviours. So if my father shouted at my mother I felt fear, so I looked for opposite - what would be the behaviour which would not make me feel fearful or threatened. So I came with: calm voice, polite behaviour, two people sitting and speaking in a relaxed. This image FELT right for me. This does not mean that getting angry and raising voice is BAD. No, but you can be all of that and still have respect of each other!

If you wish I can speak to you more on that. There is just too much to say.
Look inside your heart, listen to how you feel in relation to certain situations and behaviours. Just because we were deprived of positive examples does not mean that we do not have them 'within' us - we just need to rediscover them.

In the meantime I recommend a book 'Co - dependent no more'. It speaks about those 'bad' relationships and why they are 'bad'. It is the co-dependence that makes us attract abusive partners and it is the same co-dependence which makes it difficult to leave them BUT the moment you rediscover your 'happy relationship' and understand the difference between the co - dependence and inter dependence you will have the relationship you are looking for and which you deserve:)

Also listen/read to Michael's Neill talk about relationship ('You can have what you want') where he, in a very simple way, explains the difference.

Good luck!

Love,
Maggie

[Michelle Young]

Hey Emma

One thing i suggest anyone yo ask themselves before going into a relationship is 'how are your pots'.. By this I mean
For each emotion, we can metaphorically have a pot, therefore right now my energy pot is about 50% as the day is drawing to a close. My heart pot is quite high, my happiness pot is high, my communication pot is relativley high as well.. Confidence etc goes the same way.

So... Before embarking on a new relationship, ensure your 'pots' are pretty high. With high pots you are going to make better choices. If your confidence pot is running low, you might consider dating someone whom you would not touch with a barge pole if your confidence pot was high. There is a huge difference in the people and standards we will accept into our lives depending where our pots are at.

When most people come out of a relationship, their pots are running low, and this is possibily the worse time to look for another relationship. This is the time to rebuild yourself, strenghten your pots and to ensure you are happy within yourself. When you are in a happy place on your own, then it has to take someone special to increase that happiness, because anything less than special means they will drain your pots. If someone is draining your pots, you have to ask yourself is that the right person for you..

Good luck xx