Adoption

[SirDuke]

Hi, I'm Guy, I'm 22, and just your average young male. However, I'm adopted and have been in counseling for the last 3 years trying to sort out all my feelings and emotions about it.  I will give a little background information first before I ask any questions.

I was adopted as soon as I was born because my mum was 17 and not capable of looking after me. My adoptive Mother is my Biological mum?s older sister; she agreed she would adopt me. My biological mum therefore became like an aunt. It was never kept a secret and I always saw my biological mother but was never close to her. My parents are brilliant and have brought me up well and I love them very much.

I have had allot of success with counseling and gradually, step by step I have learned to feel better and happier than I did in my teenage years. I have gotten angry, cried, and talked about my adoption at length in counseling and with my parents and family & friends because I knew I had serious feelings and issues with it that were holding me back.

The feelings I've had about it ranged from very strong Anger, Hurt, Guilt or blame, which I know are natural feelings. One thing that has been in my life constantly though is a feeling off I'm not worth it or good enough to have the things I want or let success or good relationships and friendships come to me. The ?I?m not worth it feelings? when I was younger would make me actively reject things and people that came my way. While now I don?t actively reject anything, I feel there?s still a little bit of those feelings there, some sort of energy that?s just subtly, gently keeping me where I feel comfortable being.

I have worked and worked at shifting these feelings because while my life is ok, I'm subtly holding back and I'm very indecisive about committing to things that involve my future. I thought I had dealt with these feelings in my counseling but they keep reappearing, sometimes weeks can go by where I don't feel those feelings, but I think they are always there in the background somewhere, subtly only letting in to my life the things I think are at my level or that I deserve.

I can logically work around these feelings in my head because logically: It was not my fault I was adopted, and logically nobody is to blame everyone did the best they could at the time. Even though I know these feelings aren?t logical they are still there underneath everything else.

My question is, why can?t I get rid of these feelings, I have gotten to the stage where my life is completely different to what it was, I?m quite positive and have lots of great things and people in my life and have done fairly well for myself.

Yet the feelings remain lurking in the background ready to pounce.

I have cried and cried, and talked and talked till I was sick of talking and felt I just wanted to get on with things. So I did. But then out of nowhere I would ?Shit myself? (apologies for my French   and stop whatever it was I was doing that was making me happier and feeling more content and happy in life.

Does anybody have experience with this? Has anyone been through something similar? I have been told these feelings can stay with you for a long time but I refuse to believe that I can?t beat them and just let go, fly and live an amazing happy life. And I don?t think it would take much for that to happen!

[MaryRC]

Guy, my cousin has a daughter who was her younger sister's natural child, as in your case.  She was not told.  Someone told her after she was grown.  Can you imagine?  Of course, it caused a terrible problem.  So, I'm glad your parents were open with you.  The fact that you love them very much and that you were brought up well is wonderful.  You were blessed!  And, you got to know your biological mother, too.  Many people don't have that opportunity.  Many people spend years looking for their biological parents.

I have a lot of deep seated anger in my life.  I don't really know where it comes from, but I was raised by my biological parents, so, in my case, it has nothing to do with feelings of rejection. 

Do you feel rejection?  I know my son has some issues, because he has never really known his father.  He didn't have anything to do with my son, as he was growing up.  However, he did have my wonderful father around, and he was with my Dad when he took his last breath.

Gosh, everyone has a different set of problems, don't we?

I really don't have much advice for you.  I'm not a counselor.  I just feel compassion for your situation. 

Have you talked to your aunt/bio-mother about this?  Do you think that would help?  It sounds like she felt she was doing a good thing by giving you to someone she loved, her sister, and that she could still be a part of your life.  It almost seems like you are sabotaging yourself, because you don't feel worthy.  You certainly are worthy!  Your bio-mother felt you were worthy enough to deserve the love and care of her sister.  It seems like she wanted to do the best she could at that time.

It sounds, to me, that you need to learn to love and value yourself as much as the people you have grown up with love and value you!   

[Michelle Young]

Hey Guy
I know time has passed since you posted your situation to the forum.
So many people in life have parts of themselves that they don't like for various reasons. These can be feelings, physical scars etc.
I remember listening to a lady speak about having a tumour on her brain, which was terminal. She was angry, hurt, scared, everything that a person can possibily imagine that someone would feel if they were terminally ill.
The lady had cancer treatment and the tumour still continued to grow, and her nagative feelings grew with it.
One day, she decided to accept that the tumour was part of her, and it was now part of her character and her persona. She realised that he tumour would go with her to the grave, and she wanted to go to the grave feeling happy rather than negative.
The lady began to love her tumour, and was looking forwards to the next scan. At the scan, the results showed that the tumour had now stopped growing. This made her slightly confused, but she decided to still accept that the tumour was part of her.
The following scan, several months later, resulted in the tumour reducing in size.. They never said it was possible..
We are all about creating the impossible.
When negative emotions are face with negativity, they are fed and they grow. If we welcome that they are part of us, they are within us, and they reside with us.. they lose their strenght.
So many people liek to say, its bad to have bad feelings.. But it is what makes us human, and sometimes from bad feelings, good is produced. Its cool to feel the way you do, embrace it knowing that it is part of you, and you are entitled to feel that way.
Good luck x