I want to cure my "intimacy issues"

[Kathryn Mc]

Hi Forum,

I'm so grateful to have a group I can pose this question to. Thank you for reading.

It feels very weird to me to share my issues so openly, as I'm about to do, with people I've never met, but, I want to conquer this issue, so, here goes. I hope this description is clear--it's hard to strike a balance between explaining adequately, and just giving too much personal info...

Anyway, to the matter at hand.

My upbringing instilled a fear of intimacy in me which I am now trying to overcome. There was no major trauma growing up (e.g., I wasn't beaten or molested) but rather, my parents are intolerant, critical people, just not very loving in my opinion, and I don't have much in the way of models for healthy intimacy.

I have this sort of aversion to just simply being with people in a vulnerable state. When I imagine myself being unguarded around someone, I feel this sort of disgust, as though they were going to violate me and I need my disgust to keep me safe.

As I mentioned, I wasn't molested, but my mother was, and so I think she passed some expectation of being interpersonally exploited onto me, and because she also has such damaged boundaries, she did exploit me emotionally growing up. To be more specific, she's an "emotional vampire," and so it's hard not to project that dynamic onto my other relationships.

So it's very hard for me to be unguarded around people, to allow intimacy to arise naturally. I'm not talking about any sort of sexual intimacy--perhaps ironically, sex feels like the safest type of intimacy I can have--but rather, the more casual types of encounters, for example when new friends get to know each other, or sometimes when someone chooses to be vulnerable with me before I feel ready. I guess in the latter case, I instinctively fear that the person being vulnerable will expect me to take care of them in some way, and I don't want to have to do that. And sometimes I just get freaked out by strangers being friendly.

These are normal, healthy, non-exploitative exchanges that I'm talking about, which I then reflexively interpret as  possibly threatening in some way (in other words, I don't need my perception validated--I'm perceiving a threat when there is none, and I want to change that response.)

Can someone suggest an exercise or treatment for this?? I DON'T want a long psychobabble discussion if it's possible to avoid it, but I really DO want some sort of proactive solution...

Any thoughts?

-kathryn

[Jay Budzynski]

Hi Kathryn


Here's the non psychobabble reply LOL. and set of task to consider, The first thing to consider is to find 3-5 different places where friends and families hang out, so maybe a coffee shop, pizza hut and the food courts in the mall, Next is to spend some time in each of the places just watching and listening all interacting with each other, so the idea is to build a behaviour profile of the attributes you see others doing, so making a set of notes in a little pad, now if you know some of the basics of NLP, there are two pattens the new history generator and the new behaviours generator, taking the ideas that you have made from your tasking notes, you can, use them to create new behaviours and to place skills in your past.

A question I invite you to ask yourself is What has to happen on the inside so you can be at easy in everything you do? and When that happens how easy can easy become?

J

[Kathryn Mc]

Hi Jay!

I was hoping you'd respond. I'm feeling a bit discouraged, though...as far as building behavior profiles, I feel like I've been observing people all my life and can mimic their behaviors quite well. I am an astute observer and a competent actress, having pursued the craft for quite a while in the past. So it feels to me like I've done that step a lot already. And, moreover, I know how to "fake" normal behavior, acting like I'm not uncomfortable, but I was hoping to create an emotional shift which then informed my behavior--it seems like I've been faking it already, trying to get the feelings to come around, but they haven't been shifting. I might be misinterpreting your suggestion, but it sounds like that's kind of what you're suggesting.

I don't really know anything about NLP, except maybe some simple cliches like mirroring body language to build rapport, and the exercises I've read in Paul McKenna's wealth book. So I'm at a loss for how to implement your suggestions, unfortunately!!

For your question, it sounds like this is something I need to consider more deeply, but my immediate answer is, for me to be easy in everything I do--well, if we're speaking specifically of "doing" intimacy, for it to be easy I would have to stop feeling fear and disgust when people tried to connect with me. For life in general, I would have to stop feeling resistance to my experiences. But I don't know what to practically do with those ideas, now that I've addressed them.

Basically, I really don't know how to approach your suggestions, I'm confused...do you think you could break it down into simpler, and more specific steps?? Or if that's too big an ask, maybe you can recommend a book for a novice to read? Or even a practitioner in Los Angeles who could help.

Thanks so much Jay.

[Jay Budzynski]

Okay, here's a process for you to practice, if your open to some learning, you need a glass of water or a cup of coffee or tea, pick up the glass or cup, and pay attention to how familiar holding that cup/glass is now take a few sips, and now place it down, let it go, now in a gross way that represents, behaviours that you have been doing and have practised for sometime, you just want to notice how easy that is, how familiar holding and letting the glass/cup is. Now do it with the other hand, and notice the difference, notice how your are having to focus just a little more, how they might be some slight jerky motor-movements because your not used to holding and drinking from that other hand and place the glass/cup down. So here's the thing, just imagine holding onto some of them unsupported aspects- so lets take fear, imagine holding fear in your first hand now place that fear in your other hand, and place it down like you did with the second glass/cup, now repeat that until letting goof the fear is easy, and you practice that with anything that is emotionally  un-supportive Now practice this over and over with as many un-supportive behavioural and emotional representation's as you can find in the coming days until it becomes automatic, which might take 3-11 days the more you practice the fast the the automation will occur.

   
As you can fake intimacy the real difference between fake and real intimacy, is ""permission"" to allow it to be ok, to share with others, what's the smallest thing your willing to share with others, and how easy can you let that go, as you do? just like holding onto emotional cups you can let them go with either hand, and sometimes it will be familiar and sometimes it will need a little more focus.

Jx
 

 

[Lennydw67]

Hi Kathryn

Just to follow up on the really excellent advice you have had from Jay.

I would really recommend you check out some of Robert Holden's work especially his book Shift happens.......there is some great stuff in there that can facilitate you become more of you really are rather than who you think you are....Which think would really help with you feeling like an 'astute obsever' in your life.

A really useful tool in shift happens are Robert's straw into gold questions that can help you start gain some insight and shift around your fear of intimacy

I have type out a quick veriosn of them below.

Kind regards

Lenny

Vision Principle - What is the Fear?
Defining the fear lets you know the real challenge, complete the sentence, if I was to know what fear is at the heart of the problem, it is.......... and what fear prevents me from moving forward?

Wisdom Principle - What is the Truth?
What is the real issue?
What is your part in this?


Intelligence Principle - What is the Highest Thought?
A person cannot go higher than the thoughts they hold and as 'Einstein said the significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we are at when we created them'. So ask youself what is the highest thought?

Choice Principle - What Choice do I Have?
It can be easy to lose sight of our choices in the middle of pain.

Learning Principle - What is My Lesson Here?
There is normally some to learn form any situation, by reframing every trial as a learning opportunity we stop being victim and become students.

Alchemy Principle - What is the Gift Here?
Robert did a seminar called 'The Gift of Illness' and sent out a questionnaire to 325 cancer patients in which the first question was 'Is cancer a gift? yes or no?' 303 people checked yes. So even in the difficult times there is always a gift.

Reciprocal Principle - Who do I commit too?

1) Commit to Being (What can I be more of in the situation? e.g. patient, honest, receptive etc)
2) Commit to Doing? ('What can I do more?' and 'What can i do less?' e.g. more rest, less busy, more listening, less talking etc)
3)Commit to Giving? (more appreciation, more time and more of yourself)

Synergy Principle - Who Can Help Me?

'if you are alive you need help' so who can help?

Trust Principle - Who Shall I Trust?

People often fail because they place their trust in fear instead of wisdom or people, their team or themselves

Purpose Principle - What is My Real Goal?
In a disagreement or fight it can be easy to lose sight of the real goal of the relationship. So it any difficult situation it's what to ask 'what is my real goal here?'

 

[Kathryn Mc]

Hi Jay,

As I understand it, I put the fear in the hand that is less comfortable and imagine setting it down, is that right?

This seems like it could work for all sorts of fears...unfortunately, I think I feel equally coordinated in both hands, so I'm not sure how to proceed. I have a pretty good body awareness, so maybe I'll notice a difference if I keep paying attention...I'll play around with this to see what happens.

Thank you!

[Kathryn Mc]

Hi Lenny,

I have been meaning to read Robert Holden's books and your reminder moves it up on my priority list!

It's not that I feel like an observer in my life as a whole. Jay suggested I observe families and groups interacting and I said I had done that already, that I was already competent at that. I do feel like a participant--not an observer--in my life in general. I'm not that messed up, thank goodness!

Somehow, I don't think I've communicated my problem as effectively as I wanted to. In the same way that discussing possible options with a friend and having that friend make a recommendation can catalyze you into choosing the opposite of what they recommend--because it somehow throws into relief for you what it is that you really want to choose--having this post and people participate in a dialogue about my problems and needs has helped me get some clarity, so I thank you both for that.

I had previously said I wasn't looking for a long, drawn-out psychobabble discussion, but I think the solution might be more psychobabbly nonetheless. I'm thinking it might just come down to boosting my self-esteem, or reinforcing my healthy boundaries. I'm not sure. Another option is, that everyone has the kinds of insecurities I'm describing, but since I am so introspective, the experience in my own mind feels overwhelming to me, so the solution would be, ignore those feelings and thoughts.

I'd love to hear any other ideas you two might have, if any. Thanks so much for your help.

-kathryn

[Jay Budzynski]

"ignore those feelings and thoughts" <<<<<<<Those thoughts and feelings are your safety net your intuition about what is safe and healthy, so for me it has nothing to do with ignoring, yet using your thoughts and feelings as a gage hold them notice what's going on, and once you notice that it's ok, and safe to engage, then you can use those thoughts and feelings as a stepping stone to build your self-esteem, use what there what's easy .

J   

[Jay Budzynski]

Hi Jay,

As I understand it, I put the fear in the hand that is less comfortable and imagine setting it down, is that right?<<<< "that's right"

This seems like it could work for all sorts of fears...unfortunately, I think I feel equally coordinated in both hands, so I'm not sure how to proceed. I have a pretty good body awareness, so maybe I'll notice a difference if I keep paying attention...I'll play around with this to see what happens. It's the process that's works not the means of how you do it>

Thank you!

Read the bold highlights.

[Kathryn Mc]

Jay -
Yes, I meant something like, "consciously choose to ignore" the feelings, as opposed to going unconscious. Thanks for the clarification. I haven't yet tried the cup exercise but I will!


-k

[Spindler]

Kath
As always, your thoughts are interesting :-)
Hard to ignore, even hard to recist – they are (excuse my poor master yoda impression).

I do not have a solution for you, I have had the same fear myself, but over the years I have managed to become more and more brave – even sometimes fearless – about it.

Have you noticed how people almost never are able to be still with each other. Like... they have to break the silence all the time, even if they can only come up with stupid things to say.
I think silence is wonderful and i try to shut the fuck up, but only a few... maybe only 1 or 2 friends can take that. I think a lot of people carry the same fear of intimacy in some form.

I could recommend sitting with me for 2 or 3 cups of coffee at the local Starbucks, and just being still. No talking, if there is nothing intelligent to say. Just looking at people, zipping away at the mocca, savoring the moment.
But alas – I am far and away, so I suggest you do it with someone else.
Be quiet. Be still. Become intimate.

See ya :-)