I hope you don?t mind me offloading to you, you see I have no one who I can talk to and I really need to talk.
and this site seems so supportive, etc, hope I'll receive some support here.
You know how life is so unpredictable at times, well I know this really great guy, he?s absolutely wonderful, he?s warm, funny, smart (boy is he smart), sexy, caring, imaginative and so much more ? he?s everything a girl could hope to find in a man.
I have known him for some time and have had these feelings for him and thought that he would never be interested in someone like me.
He would never want me and that is my problem, I have this deep sense of never being wanted.
I am the youngest of six children ? 6 kids ? who would want 6 kids I hear you ask??
Well my parents didn?t either - that is right - I was a mistake, they didn?t want me ? my mother didn?t want me.
I was never nurtured, I was given everything except love, I was a spoiled little brat ? they gave me material things, rather than the thing I needed most, the thing that all children need ? love. the only person in my family who I felt loved by was my brother and he died when I was 13 - how lost and alone I felt.
And you know the genius thing - well it has been a problem for me my whole life, you see I feel things and know things that other people don't. I don't completely understand how I got this gift from god and nobody else does. when my brother died, I felt his death, I physically felt his death and he was about 500km apart from me, I was even the one to tell my mother that he died before 'we knew'.
all my life I have had this ability, it has saved me many times from events that could have killed, or hurt me. I know when people are about to die, leave or anything and seem to 'turn up' at the right time. the only things that let me down in this awareness is alcohol and tiredness.
i know what people say before they say it, i seem to know what people think.
i know things without 'knowing' how i know, it scares people.
I try not to do it, but it just happens, it just is!! so I try not to talk too much, silence keeps me safe from people being scared of me.
So that is my deep inner hole, to be wanted ? and for a while I felt absolutely on top of the world ? this wonderful man wanted me, really wanted me and my inner insecurity left me wide open, so vulnerable. and my 'knowing thing' was what stopped me embracing this man before; i could and can see his wounds, i have always been aware of the games he plays, my emails he manipulates, the websites he manipulates, when i'm being followed, etc - sound paroid?? that is why i keep to myself.
And when he wanted me that much, I didn?t know how to receive it, it felt too good to be true. I let it slip through my fingers onto the floor and my behaviour hurt him. He says he doesn?t want me, he says he never did and how stupid do you think I feel to have trusted him.
Michael, I wonder if you know how it feels to trust someone, really trust someone with your inner feelings, to be absolutely vulnerable with them and for them betray that trust? I came out of my shell, I trusted him and it felt good and now I realize that I was stupid to have trusted anyone except myself.
it is this genius thing that keeps me trapped, how do i use it safely.
And now he has turned the tables on me, not only doesn?t he want me, but he has told other people how foolish I was, and maybe I am foolish to have loved him?? but my philosophy is to never have regrets, I still think he is a wonderful man and I am so extremely grateful for providing the opportunity that I felt safe enough to come out of myself - it felt good to come out of myself.
I cannot believe though, that he spoke of this to others, involved others!!
I have never been one to worry about what other people think (although I did a few nights ago, after dinner, when we could have shared our love) and now I just feel like a complete idiot and want to go home, but where is that?? I don?t have a home, I gave up everything.
When you talk of setting goals, etc Michael could you tell me how to contingency plan for the unexpected, how do I do that?
Could you tell me how I can make sense of the senseless?? And how do I stop the urge of going back inside myself where it is safe and warm?