Parenting

[amrench]

OK - I'm the father of an almost 2 year old (he's 23 months old) and an 8 week old baby girl. I love my kids dearly and I don't want to "degenius" them.  My boy has the most inquisiteve personality and is not shy whatsoever.  I LOVE that about him however he gets REALLY angry when I have to tell him not to do something.  Most of the time it is so that he is kept safe - keeping him out of the street and that type of stuff.  But also he doesn't like sitting in the high chairs if we go out to eat somewhere and screams his head off when we try to put him in a high chair.  We have since stopped going out.  Also, he LOVES going outside in our yard but when we have to bring him inside he screams and screams and throws things.  I know that kids pick up our traits but I don't think my wife or myself our really angry people and I see him being so angry when he can't do something that he wants to do.  I don't want to keep telling him "no, no no no no" because I want him to have that inquisitiveness when he grows up. 

Any suggestions?

[Jay Budzynski]

Hi Amrench

This is technically out side my scope of knowledge that being dealing with children- being 2 years old is a real young age to do anything like re framing-   or anything like that- yet you might- consider a few things- one pattern interrupts- condition response training- i will give you a basic over view of how-

When your little one is in a real good mood create an anchor for that mood- do it practice it over and over till you can ever look at him or touch him and he goes into that state-

do this with a number of other really good moods- 3-5 and each one with a different anchor- so each time you introduce the trigger you can anchor the get the corresponding mood/state-

This is a very sneaky way to do this yet- it will give you a way to take control- yes it might seem to amounts to emotional manipulation- yet will give you a way to help in little guy out-

When you sense he is about to go into a not good state- and as long as your at home as doing this in the supermarket may lead to you being laughed at- lie down on the floor and   start to mimic him- first of all let him lead you- then slowly you turn it in to him copying you- each time there is a brake i.e a little calm fire one of the positive anchors off use each anchor at least 3 time before you go on to a different anchor- always make sure that you do this from a laying down position this way- this changes is neuro physiology- your aim is to lead him into a happy state so goofing about and tickling maybe in order- over time you will go from laying down- to sitting- to kneeling to standing-

I hope this is clear enough if not just ask and I will cover anything that you might need a little more info on.

one little pattern breaker that is a little bit so and so is to get a glass of water put your fingers in the water flick it in his face blow a big raspberry and laugh at him- once he stops  doing his moody stuff- after 7-11 minutes give him a hug-

One other thing you might do is to record him on video cam- of a few times when he is being angry- knowing that you know your way around editing- make a little news film- then one day sit down and play the video on while you and he are watching TV having him think he is really on the TV and have him think he is being watched.

LJ

[dani]

Hi
Kids, babies need to feel safe and secure. No is a very good word to use, it stops them pulling hot drinks on themselves, yes says its safe to drink.  No lets them know its not time to get up , its time to rest, yes tells them its time to be awake and play, no tells them being in the high chair is not a place to kick and fling, Yes tells them its a time and place to eat in comfort with others. 
Yes and No let you , them, me and you know what to do. 
I remember on my recent master prac nlp training course hearing about and experiencing ' how do you know when something is right for you' what do you feel, visualize and hear? For many of us it was hearing a voice inside our heads saying 'yes!!!' with gusto.  'In comparison 'How do you know what to do when something os not right' for many of us there was a voice , vision or feeling that said No in many fifferent voices.  the stronger the No the more certain we were in knowing it was not the right thing to do at that time and place for us.
When you learn to drive a car your instructors are very good at telling you NO when you are in real danger and giving you loads and loads of thats good, well done, yes.  The yeses increase your confidence the Nos keep you alive and safe.
Imagine setting your kid out in the car of life thinking he can drive it without knowing he can.
Know your Nos and yesses
Good driving instructors don't appologise for their nos and yeses either, there instruction is only about the driving behavior of the pupil they are teaching not about the pupil as a person.  So the pupil returns over and over to the Instructor till they learn the lesson.
The driving instructors, well they knew this all along, only with their first few pupils they didn't know they knew, but they got them through their test.  The more practice they got at teaching pupils he easier it became. the more nos and yesses they gave helped them to really know when to say yes and when to say no.

love

 

 

[Yorkshire Lass]

Hiya

I agree with Dani, we say no to our children to keep them safe from harm, give them guidlines & boundries, which they test as its human nature from a very early age!

Boys and some girls lol...do lash out in ways that alarm a parent, how many times have you seen a child throwing a temper tantrum in the supermarket cos the marketing people put the sweeties near the checkout to tempt them, and mummy or daddie says no...they don't like it, but thats what makes I believe a good parent, the strength to say no, even when its easier to say yes most of the time, the easiest option right now, is mostly not the easiest option in the long term.

My oldest is now 8, and still feel like Im saying no all the bloody time sometimes, but the rewards are really worth it, as most of the time, hes inquisitive, polite, creative and very tallented, knows and understands rules, boundries, and good behaviour is always rewarded 

Hope that helped a little

Nicky x

[amrench]

allo everyone!

Thanks for the great replies.  Jay - I will definately try your pattern ideas and the news on TV is genius and yep, you are right, I got all the equipment to do that,

Dani and Ncky - thanks also.  This really helps me put things into perspective.  I just want to make sure I don't put undue restrictions on him like was done to me, and pretty much everyone else I know.  I want my kid to be free, at least as free as possible, from unecessary fears and restrictions.  I want him to be able to say "You have a ticket for me to go to Tibet...  cool!  Yeah, I'll go with you!"  or you know... something like that.  If someone came up to me and said that they wanted to give me a free ticket to Tibet I'm sure that I'd come up with all sorts of reasons as to why I can't go (even though I've wna.  I know my child will get some of that but I'm trying hard to not instill that kind of fear into my kids.  It's possible that I'm overcompensatiing though and putting too much emphasis on NOT SAYING NO so your posts really do help!  Thanks mucho!!

Oh, my name is Adam -

[martinh]

Hi Adam,

It sounds like he's being two! Mine are 7,5, and 3 and we've had most luck in those sort of situations by:

Distracting them with something nice while doing what they didn't want to (e.g. producing a favourite toy, sweet, whatever as he goes into the chair, or bringing him inside to do something he likes (TV, stories, playstation...).

Offering a choice, with your presupposition embedded - give him a bit of control by asking him to choose between two alternatives you both want (e.g. would you to come in and play with this, or come in and have drink?). He gets a choice, but both choices involve him coming in. Ours saw through this between 2 and 3, but it works again once they're a bit bigger - no idea why.

Giving the advance warning - if I'm in the middle of doing something, and someone comes and interrupts me and tells me to drop it, I'm going to be unhappy too. For things like bringing them in from the garden we warn them 10 minutes before, and again a couple of minutes before (time to tidy, going indoors in a minute type thing). It's not always possible, but we try to let them know in advance before leaving the house, meals, etc. so they don't get quite so wrenched from what they were absorbed in.

Hope these help - it's not magic, the infants still usually get the best of us, but it's a start.

All the best,

Martin.

[jeni]

Hi Adam,

You?ve already got some good ideas here, especially the ones above from Martin.
I?ve taught under 5s for over 15 years and these are a few of the techniques that we use.

As Martin said distraction, if you think  it?s all about to kick off into a great big screaming match distract. When your in the supermarket and you can sense a tantrum coming on get your little one involved, ?will you hold this list for me please? ?can you see the milk? ?do we need apples? Where are the apples??

Choices as Martin said are great they can be your new best friend. They are great examples that Martin gave but will also work where there isn?t really a choice about the outcome but they can have some control over the process. For example as your going into a restaurant the next time ask your little one  ?would you like me or mummy to  put you into the high chair?? if there is more than 1 chair ask which chair they want. They seem really simple but make a big difference to a small person who is trying really hard to show that they are independent.
When putting on socks and shoes, another non negotiable one, make it a choice by saying ?which foot first this one or this one??
As your little one is only 2 I would recommend keeping the choice to 2 very simple ones this or that. Rather than something over here or something there or maybe something else.

Another idea you might like to try is telling you little one exactly what you do want rather than what you don?t want with the expectation that it will happen.
For example with the sitting in the chair as you start to put him in say ?good boy I love the way your sitting in your high chair , what a good boy? and then keep saying throughout the meal, if the wriggling crying starts just state it again, ?sitting quietly in your chair good boy? this might sound a little strange but it works! It works because the child is getting lots of attention and you are being really clear about what it is they are doing or need to do to get more of it.
It would work in the garden too ? good boy staying on the grass? ?good boy back on the grass? as he steps off and starts to head for the road will work really well and that leaves NO for the really dangerous and important things

Hope these help

Best wishes
Jenni