thanks for sharing your story. Just wanted to let you know that I can totally relate to you... I've just come out of a (short) relationship that sounds just like the one you described. Things went very fast, very intense and suddenly they were over. I had the best time with him, we seemed a perfect match, he even took me home to meet part of his family, but still, shortly afterwards I got the "it's not you, it's me" speech... Not even speech - email!!
And what do I do? I totally understand him, think I probably wouldn't have a relationship either if I were him (lots of stuff going on in his life), blah blah blah. Why can't I just tick out and throw things at him? Why do I always have to "understand" people? He doesn't bother, he just dropped me and doesn't care how I am doing... Sometimes I really wish I had more temperament... :-)
OK, sorry to draw attention to "my case" and talk all about myself...
You know, what I like about your post is that you say "Why am I doing this?" - recognising that it might be something that you do that attracts those men. If it's something you do, means that you can change it.
I think we maybe have kind of a "helper syndrome" or something. Ok, maybe I shouldn't say "we". I will just say "I" and you can judge for yourself if you can relate to it or not.
In my case, I think I can trace it back to the man it started with. He was "damaged" and when we met I could tell he was totally happy, and he would tell the whole world he can only sleep without nightmares when I'm next to him, etc. Wow, that was better than an "I love you" for me and it made me feel soooo goood! And since then I think I always went for the guys who were "different" and had something that needed to be fixed and I wanted to be the one fixing it and be the most important person in their lives to them and the only one who really really understands them etc. - How selfish is that??? Could it be that I'm craving for attention or something?
OK, I think you have just coached me, because this whole revelation just came to me while I was typing. Isn't it great how sometimes you only notice what you're thinking, when it's on the page? Writing is such great therapy...
Anyway, you should also benefit from my babbling, not only I
So here's a (maybe old) tip, but in case you haven't tried it yet, I find it very useful (though simple):
- Write down 15 traits/qualities that the man of your dreams should have
- Write down 15 things that he must not have
Go through the first list again and mark 5 that you couldn't live without (the other 10 would be "nice to have")
Go through the second list again and mark 5 that he really absolutely must not have (the rest you could maybe live with
- Write down 15 traits/qualities that your man of your dreams (from list no. 1) would look for in a woman
Go through your list again and mark the ones that you have...
I find this to be an eye opener. How much do the men we date match our "perfect man"? And how much do we resemble the woman that they would look for? It's a nice way to find out where you have to start to make changes.
Also, in addition to that, think where this perfect man would hang out and if he could actually find you! That's also an interesting one...
You know what, I'm going to make another list now...