Is she right for me or not?

[IanH]

I'm in a bit of tricky situation right now. I met a girl about a year ago through online dating and although my first impression was not good, I've grown really fond of her in this time. Simply put i've never met someone that makes me feel so comfortable and warm when i'm around her. She feels like home to me and it's this sense and connection that has me constantly thinking about whether or not I should have a relationship with her.

I feel that physical relationship would not be of the 'tear each other's clothes off variety' but would be warm and tender and caring. I'm having trouble wondering if high passion is important in this kind of relationship.

I've had bout's when i've been  completely infatuated about her that I swore they were feelings of love, but the feelings subsided. I would not normally put her in the category of someone i'd go out with, but i can't help how 'right' it feels to be around her. Not spectacular, not exciting. Just good and right. Kind of feels like my place to be around her. I've not really had much interest in dating anyone else since she's been around and feel that that'll continue as long as she is.

The trouble is, as soon as i get too close, fear starts to seep in until it no longer feels good to be around her. But i can't help feel now that if i sit with the fear and remind myself that it is only fear and that it can't hurt me, it'll subside into a more natural feeling of right again.

Has anyone got any thoughts on this? They would be much appreciated. 

[Michelle Young]

Hey Ian,

Firstly thank you for posting.

May i ask you, what exactly do you fear?


Hugs
Michelle

[IanH]

Mainly that i'll get it wrong and discover that it is just a deep friendship and that there is someone out there better for me. Then I will have to leave her and I will loose that very special friendship. I've not met such a wonderful group of friends through her and I think the fear is nested in losing them as well as her.

[Rich Litvin]

Great question Ian - I know that fear well.
I have three questions for you:

- If you discovered that it is just a deep friendship and no more - what would you do?

- If you knew that there is someone out there better for you - what would you do?

- If you knew that there is someone out there better for you and that you were going to leave her but you could remain friends and also keep your wonderful mutual friends - what would you do?

[IanH]

Good questions there:

I guess it depends where i am at the time. If it was now, i'd probably attempt to focus on being friends. But i've done that in the past and out of nowhere my feelings for her grew very strong.

If i knew there was someone out there better for me. I would focus on being friends and probably try and spend less time with her.

That's a tricky one as i've never been in that situation. I think i'd have problems remaining friends if I had fallen in love with her.

I guess though all three questions are about figuring out exactly what i want and staying focused on that. I do know that regardless of what happens, I will be ok.

[Michelle Young]

Ian.. This is now going to sound harsh ~

I wonder if the lady in question knows your feelings?
Its sounding like you are in the 'relationship' with her for the 'friendship' of her and you mutal friends.
How would you personally feel, if someone was with you for the same reasons? Just waiting for a 'better option' to come along. Though its clear you have feelings for her, I am not sure if those feelings are the right ones to based a 'relationship' on. I do have to ask, are you being fair to both her and yourself?. It sounds like you want to eat the cake and keep it.
If the later is correct, then you will stand the chance of losing the friendships you have built up. The lady is not a part-time fill in, she does have feelings of her own, and I am sure if she felt the same way about you as you do her, you would say, lets break this and become friends. Maybe it would be a good idea to explain your feelings to her and make a amazing friendship.
When your 'in love' with someone, you know, i mean really know, you dont sit there and question yourself about it. There are different kinds of love, we can love our friends, whom we never want to be without, but thats very different from someone who sets your heart on fire, makes your pulse race and your heart skip.

Good luck

Michelle

[IanH]

That's ok. It's not harsh at all. It's this kind of honesty that helps me. So thankyou both for giving your input. I've spent a little time on myself today. Actually tackled my fear and let go of the bad thoughts i had with this situation. So i fell clearer in my thinking.

I understand that the way i feel right now is some sort of love, but i guess you are right. If it was genuine, I wouldn't be sat here typing this. I only thought that maybe it was some sort of fear that was blocking those feelings from truly coming out.

I recognise the choices i have now, and the idea of staying friends and moving on looks more appealing right now. Regardless, I've grown from this experience and become a better person. 

[Terri Carey]

Love comes in many forms - you can certainly love a best friend.  You can also acknowledge to a best friend that sometimes those feelings get muddled but that you value the friendship and don't want to lose that.  It could be just a natural urge to take care of and love someone who means alot to you. Don't hesitate to let her know you love her as one of your closest friends - if you are expressing that love perhaps it would not be so confusing and you may find that other desires go away.

[IanH]

Yeah, letting these desires go are something I hope will happen in time. It's difficult though when i'm sat next to her and just want grab her and give her the biggest hug and kiss. But, I guess in time i'll get used to the idea.

One thing is for sure, i never saw this situation coming. At least i'm getting through it and still have an amazing friendship to look forward to. Delaying gratification once again! 

[IanH]

Guys, I'm struggling with this again. These urges 'to get physical' are getting stronger. I desperately want to stay friends, but I can't see how when my feelings are so strong. My biggest issue is, that I don't feel like I can meet anyone else while she is around.

I'm not sure how I can get to that stage where I enjoy her friendship and am free to see who I want. I just seem to want to spend all my time around her.