Villain (with folded paper as mustache):
You must pay the rent!

Damsel in Distress (with folded paper as bow in hair):
But I can't pay the rent!

Villain:
You must pay the rent!

Damsel in Distress:
But I can't pay the rent!

Hero (with folded paper as bow tie):
I'll pay the rent!

Damsel in Distress:
My hero!

Villain:
Curses - foiled again!

Little did I know at the time that what I was witnessing in that little scene was not just great theatre, but also a wonderful insight into the dynamics of human relationships. As a part of the Catalyst coaching program with Gay and Kathlyn
Hendricks, I was introduced to their model of 'the relationship triangle'.

(What follow is my interpretation of the model and how I use it in my practice (and in my life) - please do check out the 'WANT TO LEARN MORE?' section at the end of the tip to learn more...)

Part One: How to Be Stuck on the Triangle

If you explore your relationships with other people and the world around you, you will notice that at times you fall into each of the roles in the above melodrama. These three roles - the victim, the villain, and the hero - form the three corners of the relationship triangle.

According to R. Buckminster Fuller, a triangle is not only one of the most stable structures in architecture, it is the basic structural unit of the universe. And the relationship triangle is no different.

*Victims create a need for Villains, Villains create a need for Heroes, Heroes create a need for Victims.

*Villains create a need for Victims, Victims create a need for Heroes, Heroes create a need for Villains.

Here's the fundamental problem with being on the triangle:
Even if you switch roles (i.e. 'stop being such a victim'),the triangle dynamic is so stable your relationship melodrama will continue on unabated.

Let's take a look at each role in a bit more depth.

1. The Victim

"If it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all."
-Ray Charles

On Friday night, my wife Nina and I watched the documentary 'Supersize Me' about a man who nearly killed himself by eating nothing but McDonalds three meals a day for a month. Afterwards, Nina asked me what I thought was responsible for the 'victim culture' ("McDonalds made me fat!") that was portrayed throughout the movie. The more I think about that question, the more I realize that the only possible answer is 'I am'. After all, if I'm not responsible for the 'victim culture', that would make me a victim of it, wouldn't it? :-)

While playing the victim doesn't usually appeal to the 'macho' side of our character (and yes, women can be 'macho' too!), it is an attractive role to play because the audience's sympathies tend to be with us rather than any of the other players in our relationship drama.

Favorite phrases for the Victim:
*"Why me?"
*"It's all too much"
*"How unfair!"
*"There's nothing I can do about it."

Favorite Activity:
*Complaining

Victim Variations:
*The Worrier
*The Put Upon Husband/Wife/Daughter/Son/Employee
*The Rebel
*The Space Case

2. The Villain

"I enjoy playing villains. They're usually more interesting than heroes."
-Tim Curry

In the same way as depression is often the result of anger directed inward, then a Villain is a Victim turned outward. Like the Victim, the Villain thinks the world is at fault for his or her problems, but unlike the victim, the villain is willing to step up to the plate and blame the world to its face.

Whether this blame comes out subtly or as is more often the case, 'full-frontal', the Villain knows it's nothing to do with them, and sets about making sure that everyone else knows it as well. For the Villain, it's all about control. They
want it, and they're willing to use every ounce of their righteous anger, indignation, bullying, and rank to get it.

Favorite phrases for the Villain:
*"It's all your fault"
*".or else!"
*"I'm in charge here"
*"To heck with you"

Favorite Activity:
*Blaming

Villain Variations:
*The Critic
*The Petty Tyrant
*The Control Freak
*The Boss

3. The Hero
"My defenses were so great. The cocky rock and roll hero who knows all the answers was actually a terrified guy who didn't know how to cry."
-John Lennon

In his autobiography, actor Michael Caine reminisces about his time spent working with Cliff Robertson (best known for his Oscar winning portrayal of 'Charly' in the film of the same name) on a movie called 'Too Late the Hero'. Movie heroics
aside, the real life Robertson was always in the midst of saving someone or something, including killing a snake that was about to bite an actress and putting out a cockpit fire in a plane carrying the actors to a set in the jungles of the Philippines. But as Caine pointed out, disaster only ever seemed to happen around Cliff Robertson - wherever he wasn't, things remained remarkably uneventful.

While it might be a bit uncharitable to suggest that Robertson staged his acts of heroism, it's not at all unlikely that he was unconsciously drawn to and attracted situations that required him to play the hero. After all, when you base your identity around 'rescuing' people in need, you need to create and maintain a world of victims and villains in order to maintain your sense of value and worth.

Favorite phrases for the Hero:
*"Poor you"
*"It's alright now - I'm here"
*"Let me do that - you've done so much already"
*"Not to worry - I'll fix it!"

Favorite Activity:
*Sacrificing

Hero Variations:
*The Caretaker
*The Rescuer
*The Know it all
*The Master Fixer

Part Two - Transforming the Triangle

The trick to stepping off the triangle is simple but not always easy:

Take full responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions and let go of trying to control or change the other person or the relationship.

Here are some questions that will assist you.

*What am I not admitting to myself about this relationship?
*What am I not admitting to others about this relationship?

*What emotions haven't I let myself feel?
*What thoughts haven't I let myself think?

*If I created this situation, what did I do to create it?
*What advantage is it to me to maintain the status quo in this relationship?

*Could I let go of wanting to change the other person or the relationship?
*Could I let go of wanting to control the other person or the relationship?

*What do I want for me?
*What am I willing to do to get it?
*What am I willing to no longer do to get it?

Today's Experiment:
(Please use some common sense here - if this is your first time experimenting with this concept, it's probably NOT the time to explore deeply seated therapeutic issues!)

1. Choose a significant relationship from your life to explore.

Example:
I'm having difficulty parenting my daughter

2. Write or tell the story of this incident as you were completely the victim. If you like, go ahead and tell it in a 'damsel in distress' voice, even if (or perhaps especially if) you are male.

Example:
"I work so hard all day long and then just when I'm finally going to get a chance to sit down and relax, my daughter comes in and asks me to do a million things for her. Honestly, I don't know how other people do it - it's all too much!"

3. Next, tell the story as if you were the evil villain. Do your best 'Dastardly Dan' impression and go for it!

Example:
"My daughter is a nightmare - she takes no responsibility for her behavior and if I didn't rule the house with an iron fist, she'd run roughshod over everything. Give her an inch and she'd take a mile! She's lucky to have me in her life - if
it wasn't for the discipline I give her she'd grow up to be a complete loser!"

4. Now, tell the story as if you were the hero who saved the day!

Example:
"My wife and daughter were really arguing, so I stepped in. The problem is, my daughter's too young to deal with all the homework they give her at school and my wife's too emotional to deal with it. In the end, I spent a few hours finishing
off my daughter's school project for her while I set her up with milk and cookies in front of the television, then I went and gave my wife a massage, brought her a cup of tea and ran her a hot bath. Honestly, it's a good thing I was here today
- otherwise I think they would have killed each other."

5. Notice which of these roles is the most familiar. Which version of the story is closest to the one you've been telling yourself and others?

6. Tell the story one last time, taking 100% responsibility for your part and 0% responsibility for the thoughts, words, and actions of any other people involved in the incident.

Example:
"I've been working a lot of extra hours lately, at least partly to avoid having to deal with my wife and daughter. It's become clear to me that we're not getting on as well as I'd like, and I feel scared that if I actually spent more time at home, I'd have to acknowledge it to them and I wouldn't be able to continue to project my image of us as 'the perfect family' to my colleagues.

Much as I wish it wasn't so, I really like being admired for being a great 'family man'.

I know that I want to give both relationships more time and attention and find out how much better I can make things. My first action is going to be to come home early from work today. I don't know how they'll react, but I feel good about taking a concrete action towards my goal."

Have fun, learn heaps, and transcend your triangles!